It Feels Good to be a Goat (Goat Simulator Review)

QUICK FACTS:

Developer: Coffee Stain Studios
Initial Release Date: April 1, 2014

Platforms: Xbox One, Xbox 360, PC, Android, IOS

Rating: Not Rated (Comic Violence, Mild Disturbing Images)

Imagine a nice sunny day in the suburbs of America. Take in the fresh aromas of a backyard barbecue as the citizens of this small town protest against pointy foods. You know how dangerous those pointy foods are, clawing their way down to the stomach with as much culinary rebellion as possible. Just ask anyone who has found themselves crying for mercy as the Doritos Demon screeches to a halt midway down the windpipe. Yes, pointy foods are indeed dangerous, but that is beside the point. The people should be the focus here, not the food.

But I couldn't help thinking of food, as I chewed the neighbor's hat between my lazy jaws. A resounding baaa escaped my lungs as I sat there, staring at the commotion. What I might have forgotten to tell you is that I am not playing as one of the plain pedestrians I see wobbling back and forth in front of me. I'm the goat awkwardly standing on top of one of their heads, chewing the hat.

See, the unique selling point of Goat Simulator is that any player, like you or me, can play as one of the most misrepresented animals in all of video games. Name the last game a goat is mentioned, and you'll probably also tell me how they either had no personality, standing in the background like some kind of animated canvas, or were your source of food. Not in this game! The goat has finally been liberated from it's unimportant role to fulfill a far greater purpose...the bringer of chaos to those who have so long forsaken it.

For some odd reason the person who's head has become my steed has not seemed to notice. Of course, there are other goats meandering about the place, but they're as intelligent as the hat I'm happily chewing. I am the only sentient goat that the world has ever known, and I knew my time would come. At first, I just wanted to explore the decently rendered town, letting the light dance off of my grey physique, but then a greater plan entered my little mind.

I let out another baaa as I jumped off of my cranial ride and slammed the owner of the hat into the adjacent building. His body grotesquely twisted into a bizarre arrangement of limbs, before popping back out and running in slow motion yelling at the top of his lungs. With every physical assault I scored points at the bottom of the screen, and a name appeared telling me who I had hit. I won't share the name for privacy reasons, but within seconds he became a wobbling, freakish mess lodged into the middle of a wooden stage.

The developers of Goat Simulator didn't study human anatomy, or they believe that every man and woman alive is a contortionist. After a while, the wobbling man finally froze to a halt, expressionless and caressing the back of his foot with his flat nose. Somehow I didn't believe that was possible, especially at the hands of a small goat like myself. To be honest, it broke my sense of immersion.

Up to this point I had believed in the fantasy of being a small goat in an American suburb, but after the disturbing freak show I had just witnessed, I experienced a brief suspension of disbelief. That was not realistic at all, even though I had just flung my goat through the air via exploding gas tank a few minutes prior. I can believe in flying goats, but metaphysical, ghostly contortionists is where the line was drawn for me.

This did not detract from the overall experience, it just lowered my expectations. My high hopes and dreams of being a goat were slightly crushed underneath the foot of poorly researched human anatomy, but I shrugged and continued on anyways. They can't get everything right. At least I found another person who's head I could commandeer while I looked around the town.

Overall, my experience of being a goat is quite satisfactory. I have the ability to baaa at a moment's notice, and utilize the destructive capabilities of such a small animal to cause complete chaos whenever I felt the urge. Although this game isn't for everyone, including those looking for a story, game changing graphics, character development, decent music (you may have to mute the game at times in order to preserve your television), variety or substance, for those who have always wondered what it would be like to be a goat, this is the perfect way to spend a pleasant evening at home.