Desert Delivery Boy (Rage Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Id Software
Initial Release Date: October 4, 2011

Platforms: PC, PS3, Xbox 360, Mac

Rating: M (Blood and Gore, Strong Language, Intense Violence)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Heat can do strange things to a man. It drains you of life, slowly dehydrating the body until the only thing you can feel is a steady burn and the dryness of the throat. Most can escape the heat's manipulation, but in the desert, no one can see you sweat. Well, unless they are near you, then they see you sweat a lot.

In the world of Rage, you are the victim of a post apocalyptic kidnapping. There is no telling how you got in this situation, but it doesn't matter. Before long you are rescued by a mysterious stranger, who takes you on an exhilarating ride through the wasteland to a safe haven. You decide to rest your head and try to regain your strength as the stranger tells you everything will be alright. The harsh light of the sun starts to fade slightly as you close your eyes. "We're here!' the game tells you and immediately pushes you out of the car. 

You may think that you've been sleeping for a long time, but then you realize something. The safe haven is only a few hundred yards away from where you were held hostage. I'm not an expert on rescuing people from prison or anything, but wouldn't it have made more sense to escort someone a little further away? Especially when the escape was not exactly stealthy?

Well, sooner or later you won't care how far away your makeshift prison was. You may even think that you are of some relative importance, since someone came all the way out there to save you. In their dire need, this small group of wasteland survivors rescued you from the maw of the marauders. Yes, you are the chosen one, and with that thought you raise your head in high self esteem. 

With your newly discovered stride you saunter over to the bar and ask for a weapon. In order to get down to business protecting these here folk, you'll need yourself a trusty gun. These people need you after all, and you're here to return the favor of your rescue by lending them your sly wit and razor sharp focus and...

"Oh, in order to get that you'll need to fight some bandits. Take this here boomerang with ya." The bartender says.

Out of all the guns this town has, including the one the bartender is HOLDING right in front of you...he gives you a boomerang. It's called a wingstick, with razor sharp edges and is surprisingly useful once you start decapitating random angry people who like to swing off of chandeliers but that is beside the point. He gave you a boomerang.

Once you finish that whole ordeal, taking in the desolate but well rendered scenery, and killing the last balletic bandit, a voice crackles over the radio.

"Good job! Come on back to base." It says in a gravelly attempt at a western voice. Somehow, they managed to see everything. You whip around, looking at every crumbled piece of stone and coughing as the sand enters your mouth that is gaping open. Apparently, the bartender is psychic.

After you get back to base with new bandit blood on your hands (and pretty much everywhere else it seems) you are ready to really get down to business. The bartender smiles dryly and gives you the gun, but then he asks you to deliver an important letter to a nearby colony. This is your chance! Not only are you the chosen one, but now you will be famous!

With that thought you race over to the garage to claim your ride. Dust kicks up from your feet as you sprint over to the mechanic, who is leaning against the counter. At the press of a button you ask for your duly deserved dune buggy.

"Well hi there," he replies, "I see you're looking for a buggy. Well, see the thing is, some bandits across the way stole some of my parts, and I need you take care of them, and bring the parts back so that I can..." Before he finishes you realize the trap you are in. You are not the chosen one. All you are is a murderous errand boy. 

After hours of running errands just like these, I honestly stopped playing Rage. It's a three disc game (at least on Xbox 360), and I feel like the first two are tutorials for a story they might introduce in the third disc if they get around to it. To be fair, the gameplay is tight, the graphics are beautiful (in the deserted wasteland, fifty shades of brown kind of way), and the music is great.

In fact, the whole game thrives on it's atmosphere, which is well done, but isn't engaging enough to warrant being someone's errand boy for three hours straight. It was fun trying to outwit the bandits the first time, but when you are doing it repeatedly for no reason other than the game couldn't think of what else to do with you, it becomes tedious. 

If you can get past these first few hours, then maybe the story will start to develop and you'll enjoy it. There is even a multiplayer mode where all you do is run errands, so it cuts out the middle man. It's mindless fun, but it's nothing to write home about, even though I'm writing about it here. I'm guessing you want to know my final verdict? You've read all the way down to this last sentence, and you want to know whether or not I recommend the game.

Well, see the thing is, in order to get my final verdict, I'm going to need you to get rid of some bandits...