A Game Not Fit for Hades (Ride to Hell: Retribution Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Deep Silver, Eutechnyx

Initial Release Date: June 24, 2013

Platforms: Ps3, Xbox 360, PC

Rating: M (Blood and Gore, Drug Reference, Intense Violence, Partial Nudity, Strong Language, Sexual Content)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Gather around boys and girls. Let me tell ya a story. Now this ain't gonna be no fairy tail, but a legend. You've probably heard whispers spread around this ol' town about a special game. A disc of legend that few have laid eyes on, and even fewer ever attempted to endure. I know you kids play those new, crazy games about shootin' people in wars and blowin up green aliens and stuff, but this is a different kind of game. This one is scary in ways that few can bare. Let me tell you the story of a game called Ride to Hell: Retribution.

Now you boys and girls may think that little 1% in the title means somethin special, like being the top 1% at school for bein so smart...but it doesn't. A few local historians claim that the little ol' 1% represents the bikers who are actually the hardest of the hardcore. To tell ya the truth, I ain't got the darnedest idea what bikers do, or how they relate to each other, or what goes on with the other 99% of bikers who like to ride, but I can tell ya one thing. That 1% represents the people who can endure the game, and do something that few people have managed to do successfully. Enjoy it.

You might be able to wear a smile across your face, but inside your soul is crying for release. Jake Conway is not a man you want to mess with, or even look at. His jagged complexion and pixelated persona may have you looking away to keep your eyesight. Even hearing the sound of his voice makes your eardrums cower in fear, and your hands reach up to block the pain. It's like listening to someone talk in monotone dramatically. You can't imagine that? I can't either. You have to hear it for yourself.

If you survive the initial introduction, you will have to endure playing it...and that is far worse. Everything from dancing the can-can violently to dispatch of enemies ten feet away to shooting specks of dust at bikers with that gun in your hand begs you to stop playing. But you won't...not until it's done. It's human nature to be curious, and even though your body screams at you to cease the torture, the curiosity that killed the cat will constantly whisper in your ear, "just one more level".

Somehow, each level after the first drags you slowly into the pits of pity. You may even shed some tears. Whether those tears are from joy or from suffering is something between you and your maker. That's your business. My business is to tell you to stay away.

With each passing hour, you'll wonder why you're still playin. No one but you can answer it, and you can't. The game breaks all conventional rules of fun, but still remains entertaining for those who are a sucker for pain, or the innocent bystanders who knew no better. You may even suffer brain damage, through hitting yourself in the head by way of what you kids call a "face palm" or through the constant stupidity the game expects you to take seriously.

Don't worry kids, it'll all be okay. I ain't tellin this here story to scare you, but to warn you of the dangers of taking part in this ritual. Some people that have played this game were never the same. They constantly went around yelling at things, trying to slide their bikes under tanker trucks, and expected to beat up bullies by dancing the can-can. Poor souls...they'll never recover. Their souls have been scarred by the ride...

This game's title is not just a metaphor. If you want to experience the dangerous depths of despair and agony on a disc, then go ahead. Buy it for yourself and plug it in. Watch as everything you know and love fades away into the grainy darkness of failure. Be careful that your brain doesn't leak out your ears as you play, because I can tell you that your little ol' brain will try to escape in any way that it can. If you can survive the ride, then you are a hero in this town. But if you are just looking for a game to play on a lazy, rainy afternoon, then go ahead. Take the risk.

But I can tell ya one thing. You might have played bad games before, but you've never been on a ride to hell.

Lost in Space (No Man's Sky Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Hello Games

 Initial Release Date: August 9th, 2016

Platforms: PS4, PC

Rating:  T (Fantasy Violence)

Space is infinite. There are millions of stars and solar systems beyond our own home planet, Earth. In No Man's Sky, Hello Games attempted to recreate this illusion of nearly infinite possibility using an ingenious algorithm. Everything is generated using a sophisticated formula that has never been used in games before. Planets, animals, plants, atmospheres, and landscapes are put together seamlessly as you explore the vast depths of space. There are no loading screens, no wait times, just complete freedom to go wherever you want.

After reading up on this game, I was very excited to become an interstellar explorer. Soon, my name would be over the vast universe as an interplanetary scientist, researching the worlds beyond our own, and recording them for the rest of the known universe to experience. My eyes brightened with excitement as the game finally finished installing on my PS4. With a deep breath, I took the cool plastic controller in my hand and pressed start. From this point, my journey was just beginning.

As the stars zoomed past, I imagined myself on a wonderful, tropical paradise, naming animals and relaxing in the cool breeze. Or maybe it'd be a cold, frost bitten planet where I'd have to find shelter and warmth to survive, and where all of the creatures would be fur laden mammals made to survive such harsh temperatures. Soon, the stars stopped flying past, and the screen went dark. Where was I going to end up?! I held my breath as the screen started brightening with color. Sadly, it wasn't a color I was hoping for.

Instead of a bright, lush tropical paradise, or an adventurous frozen wonderland, I set foot on something that looked like the microscopic image of a far flung piece of nasal excrement. Constant rain drops pelted the ground around me, and I let myself relax for a moment. Well, at least it's not extremely dangerous here. That thought lasted about five seconds until I took the time to notice my little white bar decreasing at a slow and steady pace. What is that? I thought to myself. Finally, the realization slapped me in the face. Really? I stared at the screen in annoyance.

Acid rain. Not only did I wind up on a planet that looked like Dagoba minus the foliage and a wise Jedi Master who had an odd grasp on the English language, but now it was raining acid on me. No wonder there wasn't any life here, except for some mushrooms sprouting up out of the ground like gross, hairy growths on the nasal excrement. I sighed and walked to my ship. Well, I'm leaving this disgusting planet, and then I'll enjoy myself.

Aha there it is! I walked over to my beautiful ship and pressed the enter button. The ship closed around me and I looked out, saying bye to the planet. Normally, I'd say good bye to a place I'd been to, but there was nothing good about this planet. I pressed the ignition button, and then growled. Apparently, my ship was broken.

Great! I yelled to myself and exited the ship. First, I'm on the ugliest planet of all time, and now I have to fix a ship that was broken. Calm, alluring music filled my ears, as if I were taking in the most astounding landscape. Apparently the game wasn't smart enough to realize that I had the short straw in the planet drawing. Fine, enough about the planet, I thought to myself as I walked away from the ship. I'm gonna leave here soon anyway.

I pulled out my laser to mine some materials, then realized the laser was broken. What on Earth did I do to myself before the game started? My voice became gravelly as I started whacking rocks with all my force. Who would've known that this amazing, expensive game would've boiled down to Minecraft in space. 

After about an hour of wandering around the planet, I finally had the materials to fix my ship. With a sudden burst of excitement I ran all the way back to my ship, transferred the materials and was ready for take off. What I didn't realize....was that the thrusters and the launching part of the ship were different. In short, my ship was still broken. With that, I shut the game off. I wanted to explore the infinite depths of space, I really did, but this game had a way of teasing me. It's like a date with a girl who won't give you a kiss goodnight...after dating for six months. Although I do admire the effort put into this game, I can't say that I recommend it.

It's a well designed game, with a nice soundtrack, decent graphics, and smooth game play, but you will need lots of time to get anything good out of it, and time is not something I have a lot of these days. Therefore, if you are in the mood for something different, calm, and interesting, try it. It's definitely worth the experience, but I would borrow it, not buy it. At least for now.

The one thing I must say is that it was a valiant and creative effort on the part of Hello Games to create something this innovative. I understand the art of game design and must say that they were genius in their ideas. The only problem is that the genius they instilled in this game is hard to get to initially, and it takes time to leave the planet that you're on. Now if you start on a beautiful planet then by all means enjoy yourself! But for me, and my little, poopy planet I wound up on, I realized something from the start. This game had an appropriate title, and I would definitely say it was Not My Sky. 

Time Constrained Treasure (You Have 10 Seconds 2 Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Tamation Games

Initial Release Date: August 26, 2016

Platforms: PC

Rating: Not Rated (Mild Cartoon Violence)

You have ten seconds. Ok, here are the rules. Nine. Right arrow on your keyboard is to move right. Eight. Left arrow is to move left. Seven. Space bar is to jump. Six. You see that door over there? Five. No, not the black one! Four. The white one! Three. Hurry! Run to it! Two. Now touch it! One. Phew! That was close.

As the screen cascades in a twisting block of white, you are assaulted with another set of instructions. The ice is slick! Don't touch those spikes or you'll...never mind, just start at the beginning of the level again. Ok, now that you got the rules, make sure you...oh wait I forgot to tell you that the map is upside down. RESTART. Great, now you understand that the map is upside down, you'll need to use the portals. Yes, jump through them. Good. 

It may seem chaotic now, but you're getting the hang of it. Just a few more levels to go. You got this! I believe in you! And...welcome back to the level select screen. Now you can do the process all over again by walking through that door down the hall.

Wait, you want a review? Well, here's the gist of it. You are a little white block. Throughout the game there will be many contrived reasons why you can't just go through the door. You have to learn to run, jump, teleport, swim, shrink, flip gravity, and lots of other stuff if you wanna survive. Don't worry though, the game is great at easing you in. Also, I am not sure why, but I think it may be important to mention that the game defaults to a little window instead of full screen. So, if you are looking for a game with gorgeous graphics and detailed lighting....you are looking at the wrong game. It's free though, and small, so it can fit comfortably in your hard drive like a small kitten in a box you found on a rainy street in New York. Now that is an obscure movie reference. Moving on.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Game play. You see that number at the top of the screen rapidly descending and beeping as you move around? That is how much time you have left. Not only does the game restrict you from going to the door, but you must do it in ten seconds! In any other game, this would be a frustrating constraint. But, the beauty of this gem is in it's construction. By giving the players ten seconds, the levels are simplistic but challenging. 

You don't have to worry about memorizing long strings of combos, or managing items in an every expanding and increasingly irrelevant inventory. Instead, it's the foundation of a what a video game should be. Quick reflexes and immediate attention to the goal at hand. Now, I do respect games that go far beyond this, but You Only Have 10 Seconds 2 reminds me of a simpler time when video games were pure entertainment.

At times you'll want to hi five yourself in the face for being a genius and an idiot in the same ten seconds. In my years of gaming I've never felt so pleasantly frustrated. The pleasure comes in knowing that there must be a simple solution waiting right in front of you, and within ten seconds you can beat a level that took you ten minutes to figure out. Everything else, from repeatedly hitting the same spike that you KNOW is there to missing the door right when the last second ticks away can lead to maddening frustration. Don't worry, the frustration will wear off and reveal a sense of accomplishment that is rare in modern gaming.

If you like fast paced game play, easy to understand controls, a catchy chiptune soundtrack, and the unnerving sense of tension brought upon by a constantly ticking time bomb, then I highly recommend You Only Have 10 Seconds 2.  A brief disclaimer though. The game is very short, but there is a level editor which could provide some extra entertainment for the creative types. It's a pretty intuitive interface that allows you to easily come up with insanely difficult labyrinths for you and your friends. This only unlocks after you beat the game however, so that you understand how all of the different objects work, which I think is a smart idea.

I have ten seconds left. Well I hope you enjoyed reading my review. Nine. It was fun playing and writing for you guys. Eight. Looks like my time is running short so I'll say this. Seven. The game is free to play. Six. It's on Steam (the PC gaming client). Five. And you can download it at the time of this writing! Four. So, if you're up for a game that's easy to learn. Three. But difficult and engaging to play. Two. Go ahead and download You Only Have 10 Seconds 2! One. You won't regret it. Good bye.

REVIEW TERMINATED.

Miami Case Files...in Color! (Battlefield Hardline Review)

Quick Facts:

 Developer: EA DICE, Visceral Games, Criterion Games

Initial Release Date: March 17, 2015

Platforms: PS4, Xbox One, PS3, Xbox 360, PC

Rating: M (Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Strong Language, Use of Drugs)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Today was just one of those days. The rain kept pouring down on our backs, soaking us in dark, wet depression. We couldn't let it get to us now. There was a job to be done. A guy to find. Oddly, I couldn't see my feet. Whenever I looked down, all I saw was the beautifully illuminated texture of the concrete beneath me. My partner didn't seem to notice my sudden fascination and kept whispering at me to follow behind closely. Don't let them see you. Got it.

With each splashing step of my invisible feet I inched closer to the fence. Some crazy lady to my right was yelling at nobody and rummaging through a trash can. Weird, I thought to myself. She must be on something. Suddenly, I whipped my head around to see my partner crossing the street, sticking her butt out like a prideful turkey. Did she really need to walk like that? I thought to myself and followed suit. 

There was no one here, except for the crazy lady talking to her trash can. I looked her way and stared in disbelief. Where was my partner going? I moved with an unnaturally smooth grace across the street, not even shifting my weight from foot to foot as I glided. Maybe I didn't have feet.

While my thoughts wandered I suddenly noticed that everything was an odd shade of blue.

"We are almost there. We can't let them see us." A voice whispered to me as I abruptly stopped. Something was wrong here. Suddenly, the realization slapped me as my face flushed red in embarrassment. I stepped away slowly, hoping that my partner didn't realize that my face had been suddenly acquainted with her rear end. Phew, she didn't notice.

I stood up straight, trying to regain my composure as I looked over at three guys talking to each other. The street lamp highlighted them as they carried on a conversation. Little shadows danced around their clothes as the wind blew. For some reason I kept noticing the tiny details this evening, but that's part of my job. I AM a detective.

As time passed I noticed that the three men stopped. Their forms swayed back and forth, making hand gestures but not saying anything. My eyes glanced over at my partner, who was calmly taking everything in. She was silent, looking out at the three men, and then me. Was I missing something?

With some hesitation, I walked over to the three men, calmly floating across the wet concrete. I felt the sudden urge to do something drastic as I approached them.

"Police! Drop your weapons!" I yelled, flashing my badge from across the street in the dark. Immediately two of them ran off, but the third one stood with his hands up. I quickly glided over to the man and then did something that was difficult to explain. Normally, I wouldn't share this kind of information in a report, but I need to in this case.

Without warning I was out of control of my body, and I saw myself talking to this guy. I suddenly had feet, and a face that I could actually look at. Did I look that beat up? Oh well.

The man talked to us and swore that he didn't know where our suspect was, even though we knew he was good friends with him. We threatened him a couple of times, and them punched him around a bit. I couldn't control any of my actions, but I knew that I probably would've done the same thing. It was like one of those out of body experiences people talk about. Thankfully, it was over in a few minutes, and I arrested the man, putting the cuffs on him and slamming him to the ground. Everything went smoothly, and within minutes I was done with the mission.

This is just one of the many missions I accomplished while playing Battlefield Hardline. Instead of focusing on major wars like previous Battlefield entries, this one plays out like a police drama. Everything from the office scenes to arresting people on the streets reminded me of different cop dramas I had seen over the years. I even collected evidence using a scanner, and then put the pieces together to learn more about the criminals I was trying to catch.

Although the game is not as intricate as L.A. Noire, another game that was a police drama, the action in this game is a lot more polished, along with the visuals. It isn't a completely fair comparison since the L.A. Noire came out on last gen consoles like Xbox 360 exclusively, but the environments do look amazing in Battlefield Hardline.

I was drawn into each plot twist and action scene, since the acting is great and the environments are beautifully detailed with smooth animation and gorgeous lighting. I will not spoil any plot point here, since it is not my goal in this report to ruin the story of such a great game.

If stories and awesome environments aren't your thing, there are a variety of competitive multiplayer modes to keep you company. I didn't play a lot of the multiplayer before writing this report because I believe that once you play it for a few minutes you can fully understand the experience. Basically, do the objective, kill other players, get points, level up, get new weapons, rinse, repeat. Nothing new in the multiplayer shooting market. It's not offensive in any way, nor is it boring, but it didn't stand out to me in any particular way.

Overall, if you enjoy police dramas filled with suspense, plot twists, justice, good graphics, and a lack of feet as you glide around town, then I'd recommend Battlefield Hardline. Now I just need to file this report and get ready for another mission on the Miami Police Force. Officer J.S. Out.

Keeping the Creed (Assassin Creed Unity Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Ubisoft

Initial Release Date: November 11, 2014

Platforms: PS4, Xbox One, PC

Rating: M (Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Sexual Themes, Strong Language, Use of Alcohol)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Assassins are mysterious phantoms. They hide among the crowd, waiting for their highly valued prey. With each passing moment, they learn more about their target. Nothing goes unnoticed, not even the subtlest detail about their victim. An assassin can study every intricacy of a person, from the subtle sway of their walk to the furtive eye movements made during important negotiations. Of course, there is one piece of information that takes priority above all others. They know when their victim will be  alone.

In one swift strike, the predator steals the life of their unfortunate prey. With a slight smirk, the assassin will then report their exploits to their client, and be paid for their highly skilled craft. A skilled player in Assassin's Creed: Unity can pull off this kind of stunt with the slightest ease. The controls are intuitive and easy to learn. Even if you forget, there is a helpful diagram at the top right of the screen that shows what each button does in a given situation which is very helpful.

Thankfully, the diagram doesn't take away from the beautifully lit environments. Each cobblestone can be seen in the street as you walk down it, and light realistically reflects off of each surface as the time of day changes. It is simultaneously pretty and grimy. Dirt can be seen clinging to the clothes of beggars as they line the streets calling out for just enough money to survive, which adds to the gritty realism that the game is trying to portray. A red suited man jumping all over buildings and on top of people like a misplaced French Mario brother does not. This is where the seriousness of the game breaks down altogether.

See, most people play this game with the intent of pulling off the stealthiest kill and going away undetected. I do my best to be really noticeable, and then if someone in the game has a problem with it, I kill them. Not civilians of course, since the game won't allow you to lay a hand on them, although the guards give me problems. They can't seem to understand that it is perfectly normal for a man to stand on top of a lamppost and try to land on someone's head as they walk underneath, or interrupt a romantic evening by standing awkwardly between a couple until they start oddly swaying back and forth in confusion.

In fact, I think I'm the sane one compared to most of the people in this game. On the way to stop a thief, I noticed that there was a woman literally yelling at a wall. Her arms flailed around like she was throwing a temper tantrum, and suddenly she just stopped, staring at the bricks as if they were responding to her inaudible demands. Weird.

After stopping the thief, the guards started attacking. Whether it was out of jealous rage or a serious misunderstanding I wasn't sure, but I knew what to do with them. Combat in Assassin's Creed: Unity is simplistic but well implemented. You swing your sword with one button, and parry with another. Thankfully, your opponents tell you that they are about to swing their sword about thirty seconds before they actually start moving towards you, so you have plenty of time to react. Once you DO react, you can finish them off with a wonderfully animated take down, which is contextual based on your position.

A healthy splatter of blood covers the walls and floor of whatever room you're in when in combat, showing a realistic depiction of swordplay. For those who are not into violent games, there isn't much to fear here. Although there is a little bit of blood, there isn't a lot of dismemberment or anything too gruesome during these combat sequences. Think of it like a basic PG-13 rated action flick and you'll get the gist of it.

Once I finished off the last guard, I stopped to marvel at the wonderful sunset. Lights play off the environment beautifully, even though the brightness can hurt the eyes if it's set too high (which can be adjusted in the menus). It is then that I noticed the subtle details. Once I wiped the blood off of my blade I took a moment to breathe and look around. One thing that Assassin's Creed: Unity does well is it's attention to detail.

When you walk around the city, you'll notice little details that most developers overlook. I once ran into a group of people dancing to classical violin music. It wasn't a canned animation that looped every five seconds either, it was a legitimate dance. Minor artistic touches like these are what makes games art.

You may be wondering more about the story, and after this review you will still wonder about it because I won't tell you. It is better that you experience the story for yourself than if I were to weakly attempt to summarize it in such a short review. All I can say is that it is well written, the voice actors did a fantastic job, and the graphics will glue your eyes to the screen.

Also, if you are in the mood for some comical camaraderie, there is a multiplayer option where you and a few friends can play co-op missions together. All you have to do is find them, invite them to your game, and wander the city together, climbing buildings and jumping on people to your hearts content. You can also attempt the harder group missions that provide cosmetic and monetary rewards if you feel up to the challenge.

Assassin's Creed: Unity is a great experience and I enjoyed my time with it. It has beautiful graphics, a moving soundtrack, and a keen eye for intricate detail. Even if you are not an aspiring assassin, this game will kill time in an efficient and enjoyable manner.

Rogue Robots (Ultratron review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Puppy Games

Initial Release Date: March 18, 2013

Platforms:  PS3, PS4, PS Vita, Wii U, Xbox One, PC, Mac, Linux

Rating: E

Intruder alert! Sirens scream everywhere as you try to stay alive. Colorful sparks flood the screen as each robot is destroyed with deadly precision. Lights flash over the metal assassin as he fills the arena with sparks and coins that it must collect. With each defeated adversary, you feel a unique sensation. Blood pumps through your veins as techno music fills the neon backdrop with an underlying sense of urgency. You must escape, but there is a fear creeping deep within. What if there is no end? 

You ignore the thought and focus on the last few enemies in the room creeping towards you. Within seconds they erupt in sparks and currency. The game pauses. Is this the end? No. Suddenly, the game transports you to a different room altogether, letting you upgrade your weapons, repair your shields, and install little helpers that can fire on their own. A deep suspicion starts to formulate inside of your brain as you look at the options laid out before you. If this factory wants you dead, then why are they allowing you to become more powerful? Do they want to see you destroy all of their hard work? 

Ultratron never answers these questions. Instead of weaving a narrative to explain your actions, or why everything wants to shoot you, it assumes you aren't here for answers. You're here for a challenge of wit and reflexes. This isn't a story driven indie masterpiece like Limbo or Braid. It's a retro style throwback to a simpler time when games didn't need to say a word to demand your attention. 

Everything from the neon graphics to the simplistic gameplay brings back memories of dimly lit arcades filled with gamers trying to reach the coveted top score. The main difference between this new generation of retro style twin-stick shooter (where you control the character with the left joystick, and aim with the right), and previous shooters is that your competition is far greater. While the arcade dwellers had each other and the occasional visitor to compete against, Ultratron unites the world.

When your little robot friend finally bites the dust (and it will), the game greets you with your score, and then how insignificant your efforts were compared to the world's elite gamers. It can be disheartening to realize that the hour you pumped into surviving endless waves of malicious robots only netted you the 123,456th place on the leaderboard, but that is where the longevity of the game comes to the forefront. Some may seek to conquer the world with their amazing skills and razor sharp reflexes. With time and effort, they may reach the top and have their name forever remembered until someone surpasses them. That is the brutal irony of achieving the top of a leaderboard. You're only recognized if you remain there. If you are not the competitive type, then these leaderboards will probably be irrelevant to you.

But, if you are in the mood for an intense, neon filled adrenaline rush then I'd highly recommend this game. Just don't expect to be involved in a deep narrative or complex gameplay. It's a simple shooter with one specialty that it does really well...destroy your rogue robot as fast as possible.

(At the time of this writing, this game was free to PS Plus members on PS3, PS4, and PS Vita, which is where I received my copy for review. If you are interested in getting the game and are a PS Plus subscriber, now would be the best time.)

Journal of a Time Traveler (Life Is Strange: Episode 1 review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Dontnod Entertainment
Initial Release Date: January 29, 2015

Platforms: Linux, PC, Mac, PS3, PS4, Xbox 360, Xbox One

Rating: M (Blood, Intense Violence, Sexual Themes, Strong Language, Use of Drugs, Use of Alcohol)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Dear Journal,

Everyone thinks I'm a freak. It's not easy being the new girl at Blackwell Academy, especially if you don't know how to communicate with the outside world except through clicks of the camera. You see, I capture the world in brief, immortal glimpses. My eyes notice light, color, and texture, and I seek to catch that moment in time. In pictures, one can witness a scene in this world's ongoing play. It's like preserving a piece of life, holding it captive within the borders of a simple piece of paper.

When I show people my work, it's like letting them glimpse into my soul. It's not just a photograph, it's like...like letting someone look through my eyes, and feel my raw emotions. Each picture I take shows them another piece of who I am. That is why I couldn't turn in my work today.

If my professor saw it, he'd probably laugh at it. He'd dismiss it as the work of an amateur, and leave me with a crushed piece of my soul. Nothing would be good enough for him. He's famous around the world as a brilliant photographer, and I'm just me. Nothing special, nothing to admire, nothing to appreciate. Wow, that got depressing.

Something was different today though. Ever have that feeling that someone is watching you? Yeah, it's similar to that, but on a deeper level. I felt like...like someone was looking at me and making judgements based on what I did. I tried to keep myself together, but for some reason I kept seeing chalky, white letters appearing above random objects. It freaked me out but I kept my cool. No one needed to think I was even more of a freak. 

These notes kept showing up everywhere, but only on certain objects and people. Am I crazy? Maybe. I tried to sneak out the door to gather my thoughts, but my professor stopped me. I came up with some lame excuse why I couldn't turn in my photography assignment and a little note popped up next to his head. "He will remember that," it said. What the heck? 

I ran to the bathroom to gather my composure...and then was back in class again. The same...exact...place. I still don't remember how I got there, but I know something was wrong. Everyone rehearsed the same lines I heard before, like I was on some kind of film set and my class was a group of actors. I might be crazy, but I think I have a superpower. Get me a cape and a catchphrase because I'm here to save the day! I must be losing it.

Apparently I can manipulate time, which is pretty rad. The rest of the day I spent using my time manipulation abilities to change things. I'm a hero! Maybe this little freak can actually do something for once to help humanity. Taking pictures is fun, but something about running around saving the day sounds better. Of course, there still was that feeling of someone watching me...and judging.

I hope nobody reads this journal entry or they're going to think I'm crazy or stupid. Who cares? There must be a reason for me to have this power, and I haven't found out why yet but I have a feeling that this is just the beginning of a long journey. If there is anything I learned today, it's this...

Life is Strange.

- Max Caulfield

Desert Delivery Boy (Rage Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Id Software
Initial Release Date: October 4, 2011

Platforms: PC, PS3, Xbox 360, Mac

Rating: M (Blood and Gore, Strong Language, Intense Violence)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Heat can do strange things to a man. It drains you of life, slowly dehydrating the body until the only thing you can feel is a steady burn and the dryness of the throat. Most can escape the heat's manipulation, but in the desert, no one can see you sweat. Well, unless they are near you, then they see you sweat a lot.

In the world of Rage, you are the victim of a post apocalyptic kidnapping. There is no telling how you got in this situation, but it doesn't matter. Before long you are rescued by a mysterious stranger, who takes you on an exhilarating ride through the wasteland to a safe haven. You decide to rest your head and try to regain your strength as the stranger tells you everything will be alright. The harsh light of the sun starts to fade slightly as you close your eyes. "We're here!' the game tells you and immediately pushes you out of the car. 

You may think that you've been sleeping for a long time, but then you realize something. The safe haven is only a few hundred yards away from where you were held hostage. I'm not an expert on rescuing people from prison or anything, but wouldn't it have made more sense to escort someone a little further away? Especially when the escape was not exactly stealthy?

Well, sooner or later you won't care how far away your makeshift prison was. You may even think that you are of some relative importance, since someone came all the way out there to save you. In their dire need, this small group of wasteland survivors rescued you from the maw of the marauders. Yes, you are the chosen one, and with that thought you raise your head in high self esteem. 

With your newly discovered stride you saunter over to the bar and ask for a weapon. In order to get down to business protecting these here folk, you'll need yourself a trusty gun. These people need you after all, and you're here to return the favor of your rescue by lending them your sly wit and razor sharp focus and...

"Oh, in order to get that you'll need to fight some bandits. Take this here boomerang with ya." The bartender says.

Out of all the guns this town has, including the one the bartender is HOLDING right in front of you...he gives you a boomerang. It's called a wingstick, with razor sharp edges and is surprisingly useful once you start decapitating random angry people who like to swing off of chandeliers but that is beside the point. He gave you a boomerang.

Once you finish that whole ordeal, taking in the desolate but well rendered scenery, and killing the last balletic bandit, a voice crackles over the radio.

"Good job! Come on back to base." It says in a gravelly attempt at a western voice. Somehow, they managed to see everything. You whip around, looking at every crumbled piece of stone and coughing as the sand enters your mouth that is gaping open. Apparently, the bartender is psychic.

After you get back to base with new bandit blood on your hands (and pretty much everywhere else it seems) you are ready to really get down to business. The bartender smiles dryly and gives you the gun, but then he asks you to deliver an important letter to a nearby colony. This is your chance! Not only are you the chosen one, but now you will be famous!

With that thought you race over to the garage to claim your ride. Dust kicks up from your feet as you sprint over to the mechanic, who is leaning against the counter. At the press of a button you ask for your duly deserved dune buggy.

"Well hi there," he replies, "I see you're looking for a buggy. Well, see the thing is, some bandits across the way stole some of my parts, and I need you take care of them, and bring the parts back so that I can..." Before he finishes you realize the trap you are in. You are not the chosen one. All you are is a murderous errand boy. 

After hours of running errands just like these, I honestly stopped playing Rage. It's a three disc game (at least on Xbox 360), and I feel like the first two are tutorials for a story they might introduce in the third disc if they get around to it. To be fair, the gameplay is tight, the graphics are beautiful (in the deserted wasteland, fifty shades of brown kind of way), and the music is great.

In fact, the whole game thrives on it's atmosphere, which is well done, but isn't engaging enough to warrant being someone's errand boy for three hours straight. It was fun trying to outwit the bandits the first time, but when you are doing it repeatedly for no reason other than the game couldn't think of what else to do with you, it becomes tedious. 

If you can get past these first few hours, then maybe the story will start to develop and you'll enjoy it. There is even a multiplayer mode where all you do is run errands, so it cuts out the middle man. It's mindless fun, but it's nothing to write home about, even though I'm writing about it here. I'm guessing you want to know my final verdict? You've read all the way down to this last sentence, and you want to know whether or not I recommend the game.

Well, see the thing is, in order to get my final verdict, I'm going to need you to get rid of some bandits...

SciFi Street Fight (Killer Instinct Review)

Quick Facts:

Developers: Rare, Iron Galaxy, Double Helix Games, Microsoft Studios
Initial Release Date: November 22, 2013

Platforms: PC, Xbox ONE

Rating: T (Blood, Mild Suggestive Themes, Violence)

The fight had begun. Fireballs and sparks erupted across the battlefield as the two fighters engaged in fierce combat. He sliced through the air with his sword as she blocked each strike with her electrified batons. A floating timer above their heads reminded them that they only had a few seconds left before the fight would end.

Time stopped. The swordsman roared like a tiger, planting his feet in the cracking asphalt. A new fire ignited in his eyes as he started to glow with a faint, yellow aura. His instinct was now active. He flew in with a rapid series of kicks, hoping to knock out the last bit of his opponent's health. Her body shook violently with each blow as she watched the last bit of her health bar slowly chip away. His confidence grew as he started throwing in punches and sword slashes into the combo, increasing it's potential damage. This was his mistake. She smiled and a sudden burst of energy erupted from her.

A loud, deep voice yelled "C-C-Combo Breaker!!" as he flew through the air away from his former victim. Her eyes glowed and she screamed "fire cat!" and summoned an electrified panther to attack her foe. It collided with him across the arena, erupting in a shower of sparks. She followed in pursuit and threw in some kicks and baton strikes, creating a vicious combo of her own. He could not avoid the final blows as his health bar disappeared. 

A bright flash ignited the stage as she continued the combo, altering the music in the background to amplify the effect of her final blows. The stage crumbled and collapsed under the power of her final combo. With one final strike, she launched into the air in a fiery form, bringing him down the hard dirt. The timer stopped, and an excited voice yelled "ULTRAAAAA!!!!" She celebrated by twirling her electric batons and looked directly at me. The fight was over.

In Killer Instinct, every fight is a tense conflict to the end. It is unlike any other fighting game I've ever witnessed due to it's frenetic pace and fascinating visuals. Within moments you will be captivated by the amount of sparks and fireworks exploding across the screen as each combatant releases a series of moves that are unique from a visual and practical standpoint.

Each character is distinct, and none of them play the same as the others. In order to play as a new character, you will have to learn a new series of moves, which may be a turnoff for some, but for those of us who like variety in fighting games, it is a breath of fresh air.

Unlike most fighting games, a lot of the characters in Killer Instinct aren't human. The realism is removed in favor of pure fun, which I can appreciate. It never takes itself too seriously, but it has enough tension to make each fight feel like a desperate conflict. This is a hard balance to strike, but Killer Instinct does it perfectly. Although you may see a cybernetic velociraptor fight off against an undead japanese ghost, you can still feel the tangible tension of a well choreographed fight sequence.

There is a free version to download and play on Xbox One, which features one free character (Jago) and one rotating character (currently a giant gargoyle monster named Gargos), but includes all of the features of the main game including a survival mode, story mode, versus, online play, and a dojo to learn all of the interlocking mechanics. If you want to purchase the full game, you can buy each "season" (which includes eight characters each) for twenty dollars, or buy all three in a pack for around sixty. You can also buy characters individually, which I wouldn't recommend, because they are around five dollars a piece.

This is an amazing game from the start screen to the shining polish of each fight. I recommend it to anyone with even the smallest interest in fighting games, even if you've never held a controller. Just be careful that you don't get too arrogant when pulling off flashy combos, because you just never know when your combos, like your newly developed confidence, will be broken.

American Playground (The Crew Review)

Quick Facts:

Developers: Ubisoft, Ivory Tower, Ubisoft Reflections
Initial Release Date: December 2, 2014

Platforms: PC, PS4, Xbox 360, Xbox One

Rating: T (Language, Mild Blood, Mild Suggestive Themes, Violence)

I am the king of the road. The smell of smoke and burning rubber ignite my instinct as I prepare myself for another race that I am certain I'll win. Up to this point, I haven't lost to anyone, and I don't plan on giving this crown to an unworthy suitor. Let the games begin.

Suddenly I slam on the pedal and the powerful engine revs as my black car bolts like a streak of lightning down the road. I savor every moment as the sunlight dances off of the metallic vehicles and reflects off of the beautiful blue water of the ocean. This is paradise, I told myself as I weaved in and out of traffic. 

The sense of speed is incredible as objects blur past in flashes of realistic light and color. This may be one of the prettier racing titles I've ever played, but there was one thing I did not expect. Without warning, my winning streak was crushed under the boot of an unexpected assailant. Out of nowhere, another car runs into me from the side, leaving ugly white streaks down my sleek paint job. The other cars kept racing by and I glared at the floating ID. This was not an car controlled by the intelligence of the game I was in, but of another player who had no interest in my race or respect for my title.

Suddenly, I pop up a menu to find out who this person is, and realize he is both a higher level and a more experienced driver than I am. I thought I was the king of this continental castle, but I was dead wrong. The other car revved it's engine as if it were mocking my little black streak of lightning. For a brief second, the other car looked somewhat menacing, until it drove off into the sunset, never to be seen again.

This is only a brief scene of what one can expect when playing The Crew. It is a magnificent playground of cities, swamps, deserts, and fields to drive through. The only constraints are the ocean and your willingness to explore the detailed map to find new cars and parts. Every moment of The Crew feels great thanks to smooth driving controls and an easy to follow GPS system. All you have to do is open up the map with one press of a button, find a spot, and mark it. The game then proceeds to tell you the route to that spot using the road systems it has built in place. 

But, this game isn't called The Crew just for it's story (which I will not spoil in this review). This game has a unique feature. Unlike other driving games, you can invite other players to be part of your "crew" and take on missions with you. These missions vary from getting to a certain place at a certain time to wrecking a competitor's car. They vary in difficulty, and the different members of your crew can take on various roles depending on what needs to be done by switching out their cars and modifications. 

Of course, if you don't feel like doing missions, you and your friends can just as easily fool around the entire map seamlessly in multiplayer. That's right, you can literally drive across the country with your friends with no load times or artificial barriers. This kind of multiplayer leads to dynamic and engaging gameplay, including spontaneous games of motor tag (where you run into another car and that person is "it" until they hit you back) to shoving random players into the swamps of the Everglades.

Although this game shines bright with innovation and entertainment, there are a few dark spots. I reviewed the vanilla version of The Crew (vanilla meaning that I didn't buy any downloadable content for it, and I didn't purchase the Wild Run expansion), which led to a few incidences of disappointment. One incident involved a friend and his immediate desire to purchase a motorcycle.

We drove all the way from the Everglades to the Midwest (about forty minutes in real time, which is impressive from a technical standpoint), and my friend was so excited. All the way down the road he talked about what kind of motorcycle he was going to buy, what he was going to do with it, and lots of other technical details I couldn't follow. As we got closer, his voice rose in excitement, and I was ready to see his new, shiny bike. Sadly, when we arrived, all hope was lost. 

The motorcycle shop showed on the map. All of the motorcycles available for purchase revealed themselves in bright, metallic glory on the screen, but there was a catch. Where one would normally purchase these bikes was a button. A big button that said, "Buy Wild Run." There was a sudden silence, and then he said, "I guess I can't get one then." 

Personally, I do not like it when companies fully reveal downloadable content in a game as if you own it only to show the bitter truth that it's actually locked behind a pay wall. Why not just hide the content until the downloadable content is bought? Well, I guess it's so people will WANT to buy it, but I was still not pleased with this tactic, especially for my friend who really wanted the bike.

Overall, I would highly recommend this game for anyone who is into racing, exploration, and goofing around with friends in cars. Just don't try to buy a motorcycle. Hearts get broken that way.

(DISCLOSURE: There is a complete edition of the game available that includes everything the game has to offer. This review only pertains to The Crew in it's original form, which I got for free for Xbox Live Gold members as of the time of this writing. If you have the full version, then you can buy a motorcycle and let me know how it feels to ride it.)

Technicolor Madness (Furi Review)

QUICK FACTS:

Developer: The Game Bakers
Initial Release Date: July 5, 2016

Platforms: PS4, PC

Rating: M - Violence, Strong Language

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Imagine a rave party. See yourself dancing among crazy people as they light up sticks and throw them around the room to the beat of a song that people only know the chorus of. It seems pretty fun, but it suddenly turns into an open mic night and some demented Peter Cottontail rises to share his story.

With each utterance out of his fuzzy mouth you become slightly more confused as the pace of the party is slowly murdered. Suddenly, without warning he teleports to a different place in the room. He continues talking to no one in particular about how people will do anything for love. You sit in silence as the party seems to crawl to a halt.

Without warning, he disappears and the beat to a totally different song starts. The room floods with different colors than before, but you continue partying because that is what you came to do, no matter how confused you are. Now, imagine this cycle continuing for a couple of hours. This is what your brain on Furi looks like.

It starts off simple enough, all you have to do is beat the jailer. The controls are simple and smooth, allowing you to easily pick them up and learn the ropes quickly. A decent soundtrack pounds in the background as slashes of lights and color fill the screen. With each sword swipe you get closer to beating the first of many opponents. When you do, the confusing tedium begins.

The demented rabbit man, who set you free from some kind of prison, arrives and starts talking. Not to you specifically, since your character neither speaks or responds, but to himself. Every line of dialogue out of the mouth of the purple disco bunny reminded me of a fortune cookie. Something that is a universal truth or opinion that could be applied to anything.

While he is talking about random things, you walk. Actually, a better description would be that the game walks for you. After a long tedious battle, the game wants to give it's players a break. It would be a little bit more bearable if the character walked quickly, or if he didn't have to walk ten miles between each battle, but it's nice if you like that sort of thing. You do have the option to take control away from the game, but it will punish you. The same oddball logic applied to the dialogue is used for the walking controls. Want to go left? Well then all you gotta do is press left, wait right...no up...I mean down! The camera will continue to change perspective on you, as if it is just as lost as you are. At least there is an easy solution to this. Press one button and the game will continue on it's slow and merry way to the next fight.

The intriguing thing is that the controls INSIDE the arena are tight and responsive. It's Furi's comfort zone. The arenas are filled with lights and color, and I found each battle to be genuinely exciting. It feels like an accomplishment to beat the unique strategies of each enemy. They are a threat and once conquered, they can provide one of the most satisfying feelings I've experienced since Dark Souls. But, once the fighting is over, the game congratulates you and takes you on a walk again.

So why have the walking at all? I guess some might argue that the game should have a story, or that the breaks are necessary because a game with one hard fight after another would be too intense. Although that could be true, I think the long breaks where I sat and did nothing while listening to some weird purple suited bunny philosophize was a little much.

Overall I really enjoyed this game, and would highly recommend it to anyone looking for a short, action oriented adventure with a steep, satisfying challenge and gorgeous art style. Don't expect a deep story, because there isn't one. If you're okay with that, and with taking five minute breaks between fights, then you should slice your way through this technicolor madness...just ignore the demented purple Peter Cottontail. He will always ruin a good rave party.

Also, the game is free on Playstation Plus as of the time of this writing (which I got it) so if you want to take advantage of it, now is a good time!

House Simulator (Gone Home Review)

QUICK FACTS:

Developer: The Fullbright Company
Initial Release Date: August 15, 2013

Platforms: PC, Mac, Linux, PS4, Xbox One

Rating: Not Rated (Strong Language, Suggestive Themes)

It was a dark and stormy night. Rain spatters against the window as you suddenly arrive at your front door. You don't remember how you got there, or why you have this odd sensation that there is nothing beyond your front porch. You peek out the window only to see the inky blackness of the night, along with some weird pixelated rain dripping down the glass.

Within a few minutes, you realize that you don't have a key to your own house and have to go looking for it by throwing random objects around the room. In little fits of frustration you manage to toss a series of random objects in telekinetic rage, looking for a key that a voice in your head says must be around somewhere. Finally, you find it under a stuffed animal. Naturally.

As time goes on you explore the interior of a normal looking house, force pushing doors open and maneuvering the laws of physics to open drawers towards you by looking at them. You soon realize that objects take on a mysterious white glow when you get near them, indicating that your force powers will work on them. This is not a Star Wars game, just to be clear. It's an odd little story driven walking simulator called, "Gone Home".

I never realized I wanted to go around an abandoned house and look through stuff until now, and the game captures that immersion decently well. I can turn lights on and off, flush toilets, turn sinks on, and open drawers all through the power of my mind! In fact, if I could do this in real life, I would never leave my house. I'd just wander around using my telekinetic abilities on all of my belongings until I got skilled enough to become a Jedi knight! Honestly I don't know why I have Star Wars on the brain today, anyways...back to "Gone Home".

Surprisingly there actually is a decent story in this game. For some reason it's all told through the voice of the main character (who is you) narrating her own life to herself. I don't know about you, but whenever I have a memory, I don't narrate what happened to myself. I am fully aware of what went down because I was there. Sam, the main character, is a spunky, rebellious girl who likes grungy rock music and exploring her house using the force.

As you progress through the game, you hear more tidbits about her life, as told by her to herself, and things get more complex. What started off as a simple drawer opening simulator turns into a twisted mystery. Where did her family go? Why is everything abandoned in the house? Where did Sam get her telekinetic abilities? Why does she not have feet, hands, or any physical presence? Is she a ghost?

I cannot answer any of these questions, since that would spoil the story, but I can tell you one thing for certain. I never finished the story. You see, the game was going along smoothly until Sam started narrating about a certain aspect of her life. Without spoiling too much let's just say that I was getting a little feeling in my gut that she was speaking of one of her female friends too fondly. At first it was kinda sweet, hearing her talk about how she liked spending time with this friend of hers, and how they used to hang out and play video games, but then everything changed. What started off as a narrative of friendship evolved into something a little more intimate than I would've preferred.

Overall, if this narrative arc does not bother you, and you don't mind a slower paced game laced with an intriguing mystery, then I'd recommend it on it's ability to immerse you as a player. There are even some spooky elements intertwined in the story line that could intrigue you, but don't expect the game to turn into horror. It never reaches the point of being scary, but it is a little spooky.

If you like mysteries, and are into moody lighting and sound effects that draw you into a virtual world, then I'd recommend you go home...where you will find out that you have telekinetic powers and are secretly a Jedi.

 

An Old School Road Trip (Super Amazing Wagon Adventure Review)

QUICK FACTS:

Developer: Sparsevector
Initial Release Date: July 6, 2012

Platforms: PC, Xbox 360

Rating: Not Rated (Mild Cartoon Violence and Blood) 

Remember the good ol' days? I'm not talking about the days of the VCR and five channel televisions, but further in the past. No, not the time when cave men slapped rocks against each other and grunted. That's too far back and completely irrelevant.

I am talking about the days of dusty streets, old western towns, and lively piano music playing out of every wild saloon. You may have seen the famous shootouts on television involving two crazed gunmen looking to end the life of the other in a split second, but I am not discussing that either. In fact, my interest lies in the three people riding into the sunset with their trusty, pixelated wagon.

At the start, I got to choose their names and their appearances. The appearances were straight forward. There were options for dark hair, light hair, blue eyes, green eyes, and other combinations of the same, but their looks were too similar to be relevant or get invested in. Each member of this adventurous crew consisted of a series of colored blocks against a similarly geometric backdrop. So why did I become invested in barely animated pixels? It was all in the name.

I clicked through every screen as quick as possible, not lending much thought to what they looked like, or what wagon they rode in, but when I got to their names, my world was changed. A lot of people will probably name the three heroic pioneers after someone they know, or after a famous person, or even a random name like Persephone, but I had a better plan. With a spark of genius, I looked at the screen and frantically typed in their three names.

Once I clicked the start button, the adventure of Somebody, Nobody, and Everybody had begun. In the middle of my journey, a dark screen with bright white text informed me that I was hunting animals. "OK." I said, and rapidly pressed the button on my controller, leaving the blocky carcasses of my unlucky animal friends to collect. As time passed, the screen informed me "Somebody went to look for supplies". Of course, my first thought was, "Which one was it? Somebody, Nobody or Everybody? All three of them are someone." And I laughed to myself.

As my adventure continued, Nobody got killed by buffalo, Somebody found a fur trader, and Everybody (except for Nobody cause he died) had a great idea to jump a river, which I somehow managed to accomplish. Then, my heart started racing as Somebody got sick and Everybody (except for Somebody because he was sick) left the wagon to explore a cave. Sadly, Everybody didn't come out and Somebody was left all to her lonesome. Somebody got pretty far until she ate some wild mushrooms and didn't quite make it back to being sane again.

And so my story ended...about ten minutes after it began. You see, every story will be different. Maybe Everybody will survive, and Nobody will die, while Somebody goes and looks for food. Or, Somebody could get sick, and Nobody could leave the wagon, while Everybody dies. The possibilities for fun stories are nearly endless! Controlling the wagon that the heroes are on is simple as going up and down and pressing a button.

If you're the kind of person who has a sense of humor, doesn't mind playing a game that looks as old as the Oregon Trail itself, and can enjoy the pleasure of simplistic gameplay, then I'd recommend playing Super Amazing Wagon Adventure. It's pure fun in a retro package that is hard to find anywhere else.

It Feels Good to be a Goat (Goat Simulator Review)

QUICK FACTS:

Developer: Coffee Stain Studios
Initial Release Date: April 1, 2014

Platforms: Xbox One, Xbox 360, PC, Android, IOS

Rating: Not Rated (Comic Violence, Mild Disturbing Images)

Imagine a nice sunny day in the suburbs of America. Take in the fresh aromas of a backyard barbecue as the citizens of this small town protest against pointy foods. You know how dangerous those pointy foods are, clawing their way down to the stomach with as much culinary rebellion as possible. Just ask anyone who has found themselves crying for mercy as the Doritos Demon screeches to a halt midway down the windpipe. Yes, pointy foods are indeed dangerous, but that is beside the point. The people should be the focus here, not the food.

But I couldn't help thinking of food, as I chewed the neighbor's hat between my lazy jaws. A resounding baaa escaped my lungs as I sat there, staring at the commotion. What I might have forgotten to tell you is that I am not playing as one of the plain pedestrians I see wobbling back and forth in front of me. I'm the goat awkwardly standing on top of one of their heads, chewing the hat.

See, the unique selling point of Goat Simulator is that any player, like you or me, can play as one of the most misrepresented animals in all of video games. Name the last game a goat is mentioned, and you'll probably also tell me how they either had no personality, standing in the background like some kind of animated canvas, or were your source of food. Not in this game! The goat has finally been liberated from it's unimportant role to fulfill a far greater purpose...the bringer of chaos to those who have so long forsaken it.

For some odd reason the person who's head has become my steed has not seemed to notice. Of course, there are other goats meandering about the place, but they're as intelligent as the hat I'm happily chewing. I am the only sentient goat that the world has ever known, and I knew my time would come. At first, I just wanted to explore the decently rendered town, letting the light dance off of my grey physique, but then a greater plan entered my little mind.

I let out another baaa as I jumped off of my cranial ride and slammed the owner of the hat into the adjacent building. His body grotesquely twisted into a bizarre arrangement of limbs, before popping back out and running in slow motion yelling at the top of his lungs. With every physical assault I scored points at the bottom of the screen, and a name appeared telling me who I had hit. I won't share the name for privacy reasons, but within seconds he became a wobbling, freakish mess lodged into the middle of a wooden stage.

The developers of Goat Simulator didn't study human anatomy, or they believe that every man and woman alive is a contortionist. After a while, the wobbling man finally froze to a halt, expressionless and caressing the back of his foot with his flat nose. Somehow I didn't believe that was possible, especially at the hands of a small goat like myself. To be honest, it broke my sense of immersion.

Up to this point I had believed in the fantasy of being a small goat in an American suburb, but after the disturbing freak show I had just witnessed, I experienced a brief suspension of disbelief. That was not realistic at all, even though I had just flung my goat through the air via exploding gas tank a few minutes prior. I can believe in flying goats, but metaphysical, ghostly contortionists is where the line was drawn for me.

This did not detract from the overall experience, it just lowered my expectations. My high hopes and dreams of being a goat were slightly crushed underneath the foot of poorly researched human anatomy, but I shrugged and continued on anyways. They can't get everything right. At least I found another person who's head I could commandeer while I looked around the town.

Overall, my experience of being a goat is quite satisfactory. I have the ability to baaa at a moment's notice, and utilize the destructive capabilities of such a small animal to cause complete chaos whenever I felt the urge. Although this game isn't for everyone, including those looking for a story, game changing graphics, character development, decent music (you may have to mute the game at times in order to preserve your television), variety or substance, for those who have always wondered what it would be like to be a goat, this is the perfect way to spend a pleasant evening at home.