A Game Not Fit for Hades (Ride to Hell: Retribution Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Deep Silver, Eutechnyx

Initial Release Date: June 24, 2013

Platforms: Ps3, Xbox 360, PC

Rating: M (Blood and Gore, Drug Reference, Intense Violence, Partial Nudity, Strong Language, Sexual Content)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Gather around boys and girls. Let me tell ya a story. Now this ain't gonna be no fairy tail, but a legend. You've probably heard whispers spread around this ol' town about a special game. A disc of legend that few have laid eyes on, and even fewer ever attempted to endure. I know you kids play those new, crazy games about shootin' people in wars and blowin up green aliens and stuff, but this is a different kind of game. This one is scary in ways that few can bare. Let me tell you the story of a game called Ride to Hell: Retribution.

Now you boys and girls may think that little 1% in the title means somethin special, like being the top 1% at school for bein so smart...but it doesn't. A few local historians claim that the little ol' 1% represents the bikers who are actually the hardest of the hardcore. To tell ya the truth, I ain't got the darnedest idea what bikers do, or how they relate to each other, or what goes on with the other 99% of bikers who like to ride, but I can tell ya one thing. That 1% represents the people who can endure the game, and do something that few people have managed to do successfully. Enjoy it.

You might be able to wear a smile across your face, but inside your soul is crying for release. Jake Conway is not a man you want to mess with, or even look at. His jagged complexion and pixelated persona may have you looking away to keep your eyesight. Even hearing the sound of his voice makes your eardrums cower in fear, and your hands reach up to block the pain. It's like listening to someone talk in monotone dramatically. You can't imagine that? I can't either. You have to hear it for yourself.

If you survive the initial introduction, you will have to endure playing it...and that is far worse. Everything from dancing the can-can violently to dispatch of enemies ten feet away to shooting specks of dust at bikers with that gun in your hand begs you to stop playing. But you won't...not until it's done. It's human nature to be curious, and even though your body screams at you to cease the torture, the curiosity that killed the cat will constantly whisper in your ear, "just one more level".

Somehow, each level after the first drags you slowly into the pits of pity. You may even shed some tears. Whether those tears are from joy or from suffering is something between you and your maker. That's your business. My business is to tell you to stay away.

With each passing hour, you'll wonder why you're still playin. No one but you can answer it, and you can't. The game breaks all conventional rules of fun, but still remains entertaining for those who are a sucker for pain, or the innocent bystanders who knew no better. You may even suffer brain damage, through hitting yourself in the head by way of what you kids call a "face palm" or through the constant stupidity the game expects you to take seriously.

Don't worry kids, it'll all be okay. I ain't tellin this here story to scare you, but to warn you of the dangers of taking part in this ritual. Some people that have played this game were never the same. They constantly went around yelling at things, trying to slide their bikes under tanker trucks, and expected to beat up bullies by dancing the can-can. Poor souls...they'll never recover. Their souls have been scarred by the ride...

This game's title is not just a metaphor. If you want to experience the dangerous depths of despair and agony on a disc, then go ahead. Buy it for yourself and plug it in. Watch as everything you know and love fades away into the grainy darkness of failure. Be careful that your brain doesn't leak out your ears as you play, because I can tell you that your little ol' brain will try to escape in any way that it can. If you can survive the ride, then you are a hero in this town. But if you are just looking for a game to play on a lazy, rainy afternoon, then go ahead. Take the risk.

But I can tell ya one thing. You might have played bad games before, but you've never been on a ride to hell.

Miami Case Files...in Color! (Battlefield Hardline Review)

Quick Facts:

 Developer: EA DICE, Visceral Games, Criterion Games

Initial Release Date: March 17, 2015

Platforms: PS4, Xbox One, PS3, Xbox 360, PC

Rating: M (Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Strong Language, Use of Drugs)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Today was just one of those days. The rain kept pouring down on our backs, soaking us in dark, wet depression. We couldn't let it get to us now. There was a job to be done. A guy to find. Oddly, I couldn't see my feet. Whenever I looked down, all I saw was the beautifully illuminated texture of the concrete beneath me. My partner didn't seem to notice my sudden fascination and kept whispering at me to follow behind closely. Don't let them see you. Got it.

With each splashing step of my invisible feet I inched closer to the fence. Some crazy lady to my right was yelling at nobody and rummaging through a trash can. Weird, I thought to myself. She must be on something. Suddenly, I whipped my head around to see my partner crossing the street, sticking her butt out like a prideful turkey. Did she really need to walk like that? I thought to myself and followed suit. 

There was no one here, except for the crazy lady talking to her trash can. I looked her way and stared in disbelief. Where was my partner going? I moved with an unnaturally smooth grace across the street, not even shifting my weight from foot to foot as I glided. Maybe I didn't have feet.

While my thoughts wandered I suddenly noticed that everything was an odd shade of blue.

"We are almost there. We can't let them see us." A voice whispered to me as I abruptly stopped. Something was wrong here. Suddenly, the realization slapped me as my face flushed red in embarrassment. I stepped away slowly, hoping that my partner didn't realize that my face had been suddenly acquainted with her rear end. Phew, she didn't notice.

I stood up straight, trying to regain my composure as I looked over at three guys talking to each other. The street lamp highlighted them as they carried on a conversation. Little shadows danced around their clothes as the wind blew. For some reason I kept noticing the tiny details this evening, but that's part of my job. I AM a detective.

As time passed I noticed that the three men stopped. Their forms swayed back and forth, making hand gestures but not saying anything. My eyes glanced over at my partner, who was calmly taking everything in. She was silent, looking out at the three men, and then me. Was I missing something?

With some hesitation, I walked over to the three men, calmly floating across the wet concrete. I felt the sudden urge to do something drastic as I approached them.

"Police! Drop your weapons!" I yelled, flashing my badge from across the street in the dark. Immediately two of them ran off, but the third one stood with his hands up. I quickly glided over to the man and then did something that was difficult to explain. Normally, I wouldn't share this kind of information in a report, but I need to in this case.

Without warning I was out of control of my body, and I saw myself talking to this guy. I suddenly had feet, and a face that I could actually look at. Did I look that beat up? Oh well.

The man talked to us and swore that he didn't know where our suspect was, even though we knew he was good friends with him. We threatened him a couple of times, and them punched him around a bit. I couldn't control any of my actions, but I knew that I probably would've done the same thing. It was like one of those out of body experiences people talk about. Thankfully, it was over in a few minutes, and I arrested the man, putting the cuffs on him and slamming him to the ground. Everything went smoothly, and within minutes I was done with the mission.

This is just one of the many missions I accomplished while playing Battlefield Hardline. Instead of focusing on major wars like previous Battlefield entries, this one plays out like a police drama. Everything from the office scenes to arresting people on the streets reminded me of different cop dramas I had seen over the years. I even collected evidence using a scanner, and then put the pieces together to learn more about the criminals I was trying to catch.

Although the game is not as intricate as L.A. Noire, another game that was a police drama, the action in this game is a lot more polished, along with the visuals. It isn't a completely fair comparison since the L.A. Noire came out on last gen consoles like Xbox 360 exclusively, but the environments do look amazing in Battlefield Hardline.

I was drawn into each plot twist and action scene, since the acting is great and the environments are beautifully detailed with smooth animation and gorgeous lighting. I will not spoil any plot point here, since it is not my goal in this report to ruin the story of such a great game.

If stories and awesome environments aren't your thing, there are a variety of competitive multiplayer modes to keep you company. I didn't play a lot of the multiplayer before writing this report because I believe that once you play it for a few minutes you can fully understand the experience. Basically, do the objective, kill other players, get points, level up, get new weapons, rinse, repeat. Nothing new in the multiplayer shooting market. It's not offensive in any way, nor is it boring, but it didn't stand out to me in any particular way.

Overall, if you enjoy police dramas filled with suspense, plot twists, justice, good graphics, and a lack of feet as you glide around town, then I'd recommend Battlefield Hardline. Now I just need to file this report and get ready for another mission on the Miami Police Force. Officer J.S. Out.

Journal of a Time Traveler (Life Is Strange: Episode 1 review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Dontnod Entertainment
Initial Release Date: January 29, 2015

Platforms: Linux, PC, Mac, PS3, PS4, Xbox 360, Xbox One

Rating: M (Blood, Intense Violence, Sexual Themes, Strong Language, Use of Drugs, Use of Alcohol)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Dear Journal,

Everyone thinks I'm a freak. It's not easy being the new girl at Blackwell Academy, especially if you don't know how to communicate with the outside world except through clicks of the camera. You see, I capture the world in brief, immortal glimpses. My eyes notice light, color, and texture, and I seek to catch that moment in time. In pictures, one can witness a scene in this world's ongoing play. It's like preserving a piece of life, holding it captive within the borders of a simple piece of paper.

When I show people my work, it's like letting them glimpse into my soul. It's not just a photograph, it's like...like letting someone look through my eyes, and feel my raw emotions. Each picture I take shows them another piece of who I am. That is why I couldn't turn in my work today.

If my professor saw it, he'd probably laugh at it. He'd dismiss it as the work of an amateur, and leave me with a crushed piece of my soul. Nothing would be good enough for him. He's famous around the world as a brilliant photographer, and I'm just me. Nothing special, nothing to admire, nothing to appreciate. Wow, that got depressing.

Something was different today though. Ever have that feeling that someone is watching you? Yeah, it's similar to that, but on a deeper level. I felt like...like someone was looking at me and making judgements based on what I did. I tried to keep myself together, but for some reason I kept seeing chalky, white letters appearing above random objects. It freaked me out but I kept my cool. No one needed to think I was even more of a freak. 

These notes kept showing up everywhere, but only on certain objects and people. Am I crazy? Maybe. I tried to sneak out the door to gather my thoughts, but my professor stopped me. I came up with some lame excuse why I couldn't turn in my photography assignment and a little note popped up next to his head. "He will remember that," it said. What the heck? 

I ran to the bathroom to gather my composure...and then was back in class again. The same...exact...place. I still don't remember how I got there, but I know something was wrong. Everyone rehearsed the same lines I heard before, like I was on some kind of film set and my class was a group of actors. I might be crazy, but I think I have a superpower. Get me a cape and a catchphrase because I'm here to save the day! I must be losing it.

Apparently I can manipulate time, which is pretty rad. The rest of the day I spent using my time manipulation abilities to change things. I'm a hero! Maybe this little freak can actually do something for once to help humanity. Taking pictures is fun, but something about running around saving the day sounds better. Of course, there still was that feeling of someone watching me...and judging.

I hope nobody reads this journal entry or they're going to think I'm crazy or stupid. Who cares? There must be a reason for me to have this power, and I haven't found out why yet but I have a feeling that this is just the beginning of a long journey. If there is anything I learned today, it's this...

Life is Strange.

- Max Caulfield

Desert Delivery Boy (Rage Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Id Software
Initial Release Date: October 4, 2011

Platforms: PC, PS3, Xbox 360, Mac

Rating: M (Blood and Gore, Strong Language, Intense Violence)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Heat can do strange things to a man. It drains you of life, slowly dehydrating the body until the only thing you can feel is a steady burn and the dryness of the throat. Most can escape the heat's manipulation, but in the desert, no one can see you sweat. Well, unless they are near you, then they see you sweat a lot.

In the world of Rage, you are the victim of a post apocalyptic kidnapping. There is no telling how you got in this situation, but it doesn't matter. Before long you are rescued by a mysterious stranger, who takes you on an exhilarating ride through the wasteland to a safe haven. You decide to rest your head and try to regain your strength as the stranger tells you everything will be alright. The harsh light of the sun starts to fade slightly as you close your eyes. "We're here!' the game tells you and immediately pushes you out of the car. 

You may think that you've been sleeping for a long time, but then you realize something. The safe haven is only a few hundred yards away from where you were held hostage. I'm not an expert on rescuing people from prison or anything, but wouldn't it have made more sense to escort someone a little further away? Especially when the escape was not exactly stealthy?

Well, sooner or later you won't care how far away your makeshift prison was. You may even think that you are of some relative importance, since someone came all the way out there to save you. In their dire need, this small group of wasteland survivors rescued you from the maw of the marauders. Yes, you are the chosen one, and with that thought you raise your head in high self esteem. 

With your newly discovered stride you saunter over to the bar and ask for a weapon. In order to get down to business protecting these here folk, you'll need yourself a trusty gun. These people need you after all, and you're here to return the favor of your rescue by lending them your sly wit and razor sharp focus and...

"Oh, in order to get that you'll need to fight some bandits. Take this here boomerang with ya." The bartender says.

Out of all the guns this town has, including the one the bartender is HOLDING right in front of you...he gives you a boomerang. It's called a wingstick, with razor sharp edges and is surprisingly useful once you start decapitating random angry people who like to swing off of chandeliers but that is beside the point. He gave you a boomerang.

Once you finish that whole ordeal, taking in the desolate but well rendered scenery, and killing the last balletic bandit, a voice crackles over the radio.

"Good job! Come on back to base." It says in a gravelly attempt at a western voice. Somehow, they managed to see everything. You whip around, looking at every crumbled piece of stone and coughing as the sand enters your mouth that is gaping open. Apparently, the bartender is psychic.

After you get back to base with new bandit blood on your hands (and pretty much everywhere else it seems) you are ready to really get down to business. The bartender smiles dryly and gives you the gun, but then he asks you to deliver an important letter to a nearby colony. This is your chance! Not only are you the chosen one, but now you will be famous!

With that thought you race over to the garage to claim your ride. Dust kicks up from your feet as you sprint over to the mechanic, who is leaning against the counter. At the press of a button you ask for your duly deserved dune buggy.

"Well hi there," he replies, "I see you're looking for a buggy. Well, see the thing is, some bandits across the way stole some of my parts, and I need you take care of them, and bring the parts back so that I can..." Before he finishes you realize the trap you are in. You are not the chosen one. All you are is a murderous errand boy. 

After hours of running errands just like these, I honestly stopped playing Rage. It's a three disc game (at least on Xbox 360), and I feel like the first two are tutorials for a story they might introduce in the third disc if they get around to it. To be fair, the gameplay is tight, the graphics are beautiful (in the deserted wasteland, fifty shades of brown kind of way), and the music is great.

In fact, the whole game thrives on it's atmosphere, which is well done, but isn't engaging enough to warrant being someone's errand boy for three hours straight. It was fun trying to outwit the bandits the first time, but when you are doing it repeatedly for no reason other than the game couldn't think of what else to do with you, it becomes tedious. 

If you can get past these first few hours, then maybe the story will start to develop and you'll enjoy it. There is even a multiplayer mode where all you do is run errands, so it cuts out the middle man. It's mindless fun, but it's nothing to write home about, even though I'm writing about it here. I'm guessing you want to know my final verdict? You've read all the way down to this last sentence, and you want to know whether or not I recommend the game.

Well, see the thing is, in order to get my final verdict, I'm going to need you to get rid of some bandits...

Gon' Huntin'! (Cabela's Dangerous Hunts 2011 Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Cauldron
Initial Release Date: October 26, 2010

Platforms: Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, Nintendo DS

Rating: T (Blood, Violence)

I hold the Top Shot Elite gun firmly in my hands. The plastic contours of the rifle fit comfortably in my grasp as I look down the scope. Perfect. The cross-hairs line up perfectly with the targets on screen as I pull the trigger. With each successful shot, a loud boom erupts from my TV, and I get one step closer to hunting. My pulse races faster as I continue to knock out the targets.

Without hesitation I shoot down the last target, and the game tells me that my calibration is complete. Aha! I say and click the pump action reload. In that moment I took a deep breath, and went straight to the gallery. See, when I originally bought this game I imagined it to be similar to real hunting.

I expected to walk through the forest, taking in the sights and sounds, as I hunted my prey. With each carefully placed step I'd be closer to landing the kill shot, and taking home a great trophy to put on my wall. Yes, a nice thirty point set of antlers would be amazing on my wall. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I know absolutely nothing about hunting, but if this game is any representation of it, I'm never going into the woods again.

As soon as I start the game, I realize that something is weird. The game is in first person, which I expected, but I have the ability to float through the air like some kind of demented woodland nymph with a treacherous blood lust. A small blue reticle lined up approximately to where my gun was pointing, but there was no gun on the screen. In the bottom right corner, the game kindly displays how much ammo I have in each magazine. So, my rifle had three, and my shotgun had two. Good to know.

I watched closely as I heard a mysterious voice tell me to start shooting. What I didn't realize was that all the animals in this game were rabid. Without warning all of the deer of the forest stampeded toward me, running around as if the world were ending before I even made a sound. I start shooting, and realize the biggest plot twist this game had to offer. 

As the deer went flying right and left because of my well placed shots, I suddenly realized that I was not a demented woodland nymph with a blood lust as I had previously assumed. I was a wizard. Creating ammunition out of thin air was the least impressive of my magical abilities as I slowed down time with the press of a button. The animals tried to escape, leaping through the air in beautiful stride. A small maniacal laugh escaped me as I brought them all down to the dirt.

Yes, if hunting were this empowering I would definitely consider it, though a question did cross my mind. What was I going to do with all these dead carcasses? I shrugged and floated through the air to another predetermined spot and faced a true threat. Mountain lions are dangerous creatures, and can do plenty of physical and psychological damage by themselves, but in this universe nothing travels alone. You may think that I'm talking about a pair of mountain lions, which is possible in the wild, but no. My jaw wouldn't have dropped to the floor if it were only two mountain lions.

At the rate I was going I could easily down them by slowing time, or seeing through them with my x-ray vision I learned from somewhere. This was different. At first I only saw one coming at me from the bushes, but then another, and then three more. Cabela does not understand subtlety or realism, but I didn't care. I cocked my pump action reload again and fired away! This game balances the unrealistic horror of half a bazillion mountain lions chasing you with the reminder that you are a forest dwelling demigod with the power to levitate and control time.

What I expected to be a hunting simulator swiftly turned into a power trip with a plastic rifle. I caught myself yelling at the screen in triumph as I downed every threat that stood in my way, and every innocent creature that tried to get out of it.  Then, as time passed I began to feel kinda sorry for the little things. These poor innocent creatures were being zapped to death by Zeus and he doesn't eat venison. But, as soon as I saw a deer bounce through the air on it's head, all guilt was lost and laughter came instead. 

This game was never meant to be taken seriously but is a fun arcade style shooter. The gorgeous scenery can sometimes get in the way of seeing your target (like tall grass concealing a baboon) but it is not too inconvenient. After I got over my power trip of being a wizard in the woods, I realized how much fun it was. An hour had passed and I didn't even feel it. 

It is a great game, but I would definitely recommend it with a Top Shot Elite controller. Trying to control the game with an Xbox 360 controller (or PS3 controller) feels like trying to grab a bar of soap you dropped in the shower. You may have a grip on it for about a second, but then you fall and hurt yourself. Or get eaten by a mountain lion.

American Playground (The Crew Review)

Quick Facts:

Developers: Ubisoft, Ivory Tower, Ubisoft Reflections
Initial Release Date: December 2, 2014

Platforms: PC, PS4, Xbox 360, Xbox One

Rating: T (Language, Mild Blood, Mild Suggestive Themes, Violence)

I am the king of the road. The smell of smoke and burning rubber ignite my instinct as I prepare myself for another race that I am certain I'll win. Up to this point, I haven't lost to anyone, and I don't plan on giving this crown to an unworthy suitor. Let the games begin.

Suddenly I slam on the pedal and the powerful engine revs as my black car bolts like a streak of lightning down the road. I savor every moment as the sunlight dances off of the metallic vehicles and reflects off of the beautiful blue water of the ocean. This is paradise, I told myself as I weaved in and out of traffic. 

The sense of speed is incredible as objects blur past in flashes of realistic light and color. This may be one of the prettier racing titles I've ever played, but there was one thing I did not expect. Without warning, my winning streak was crushed under the boot of an unexpected assailant. Out of nowhere, another car runs into me from the side, leaving ugly white streaks down my sleek paint job. The other cars kept racing by and I glared at the floating ID. This was not an car controlled by the intelligence of the game I was in, but of another player who had no interest in my race or respect for my title.

Suddenly, I pop up a menu to find out who this person is, and realize he is both a higher level and a more experienced driver than I am. I thought I was the king of this continental castle, but I was dead wrong. The other car revved it's engine as if it were mocking my little black streak of lightning. For a brief second, the other car looked somewhat menacing, until it drove off into the sunset, never to be seen again.

This is only a brief scene of what one can expect when playing The Crew. It is a magnificent playground of cities, swamps, deserts, and fields to drive through. The only constraints are the ocean and your willingness to explore the detailed map to find new cars and parts. Every moment of The Crew feels great thanks to smooth driving controls and an easy to follow GPS system. All you have to do is open up the map with one press of a button, find a spot, and mark it. The game then proceeds to tell you the route to that spot using the road systems it has built in place. 

But, this game isn't called The Crew just for it's story (which I will not spoil in this review). This game has a unique feature. Unlike other driving games, you can invite other players to be part of your "crew" and take on missions with you. These missions vary from getting to a certain place at a certain time to wrecking a competitor's car. They vary in difficulty, and the different members of your crew can take on various roles depending on what needs to be done by switching out their cars and modifications. 

Of course, if you don't feel like doing missions, you and your friends can just as easily fool around the entire map seamlessly in multiplayer. That's right, you can literally drive across the country with your friends with no load times or artificial barriers. This kind of multiplayer leads to dynamic and engaging gameplay, including spontaneous games of motor tag (where you run into another car and that person is "it" until they hit you back) to shoving random players into the swamps of the Everglades.

Although this game shines bright with innovation and entertainment, there are a few dark spots. I reviewed the vanilla version of The Crew (vanilla meaning that I didn't buy any downloadable content for it, and I didn't purchase the Wild Run expansion), which led to a few incidences of disappointment. One incident involved a friend and his immediate desire to purchase a motorcycle.

We drove all the way from the Everglades to the Midwest (about forty minutes in real time, which is impressive from a technical standpoint), and my friend was so excited. All the way down the road he talked about what kind of motorcycle he was going to buy, what he was going to do with it, and lots of other technical details I couldn't follow. As we got closer, his voice rose in excitement, and I was ready to see his new, shiny bike. Sadly, when we arrived, all hope was lost. 

The motorcycle shop showed on the map. All of the motorcycles available for purchase revealed themselves in bright, metallic glory on the screen, but there was a catch. Where one would normally purchase these bikes was a button. A big button that said, "Buy Wild Run." There was a sudden silence, and then he said, "I guess I can't get one then." 

Personally, I do not like it when companies fully reveal downloadable content in a game as if you own it only to show the bitter truth that it's actually locked behind a pay wall. Why not just hide the content until the downloadable content is bought? Well, I guess it's so people will WANT to buy it, but I was still not pleased with this tactic, especially for my friend who really wanted the bike.

Overall, I would highly recommend this game for anyone who is into racing, exploration, and goofing around with friends in cars. Just don't try to buy a motorcycle. Hearts get broken that way.

(DISCLOSURE: There is a complete edition of the game available that includes everything the game has to offer. This review only pertains to The Crew in it's original form, which I got for free for Xbox Live Gold members as of the time of this writing. If you have the full version, then you can buy a motorcycle and let me know how it feels to ride it.)

An Old School Road Trip (Super Amazing Wagon Adventure Review)

QUICK FACTS:

Developer: Sparsevector
Initial Release Date: July 6, 2012

Platforms: PC, Xbox 360

Rating: Not Rated (Mild Cartoon Violence and Blood) 

Remember the good ol' days? I'm not talking about the days of the VCR and five channel televisions, but further in the past. No, not the time when cave men slapped rocks against each other and grunted. That's too far back and completely irrelevant.

I am talking about the days of dusty streets, old western towns, and lively piano music playing out of every wild saloon. You may have seen the famous shootouts on television involving two crazed gunmen looking to end the life of the other in a split second, but I am not discussing that either. In fact, my interest lies in the three people riding into the sunset with their trusty, pixelated wagon.

At the start, I got to choose their names and their appearances. The appearances were straight forward. There were options for dark hair, light hair, blue eyes, green eyes, and other combinations of the same, but their looks were too similar to be relevant or get invested in. Each member of this adventurous crew consisted of a series of colored blocks against a similarly geometric backdrop. So why did I become invested in barely animated pixels? It was all in the name.

I clicked through every screen as quick as possible, not lending much thought to what they looked like, or what wagon they rode in, but when I got to their names, my world was changed. A lot of people will probably name the three heroic pioneers after someone they know, or after a famous person, or even a random name like Persephone, but I had a better plan. With a spark of genius, I looked at the screen and frantically typed in their three names.

Once I clicked the start button, the adventure of Somebody, Nobody, and Everybody had begun. In the middle of my journey, a dark screen with bright white text informed me that I was hunting animals. "OK." I said, and rapidly pressed the button on my controller, leaving the blocky carcasses of my unlucky animal friends to collect. As time passed, the screen informed me "Somebody went to look for supplies". Of course, my first thought was, "Which one was it? Somebody, Nobody or Everybody? All three of them are someone." And I laughed to myself.

As my adventure continued, Nobody got killed by buffalo, Somebody found a fur trader, and Everybody (except for Nobody cause he died) had a great idea to jump a river, which I somehow managed to accomplish. Then, my heart started racing as Somebody got sick and Everybody (except for Somebody because he was sick) left the wagon to explore a cave. Sadly, Everybody didn't come out and Somebody was left all to her lonesome. Somebody got pretty far until she ate some wild mushrooms and didn't quite make it back to being sane again.

And so my story ended...about ten minutes after it began. You see, every story will be different. Maybe Everybody will survive, and Nobody will die, while Somebody goes and looks for food. Or, Somebody could get sick, and Nobody could leave the wagon, while Everybody dies. The possibilities for fun stories are nearly endless! Controlling the wagon that the heroes are on is simple as going up and down and pressing a button.

If you're the kind of person who has a sense of humor, doesn't mind playing a game that looks as old as the Oregon Trail itself, and can enjoy the pleasure of simplistic gameplay, then I'd recommend playing Super Amazing Wagon Adventure. It's pure fun in a retro package that is hard to find anywhere else.

It Feels Good to be a Goat (Goat Simulator Review)

QUICK FACTS:

Developer: Coffee Stain Studios
Initial Release Date: April 1, 2014

Platforms: Xbox One, Xbox 360, PC, Android, IOS

Rating: Not Rated (Comic Violence, Mild Disturbing Images)

Imagine a nice sunny day in the suburbs of America. Take in the fresh aromas of a backyard barbecue as the citizens of this small town protest against pointy foods. You know how dangerous those pointy foods are, clawing their way down to the stomach with as much culinary rebellion as possible. Just ask anyone who has found themselves crying for mercy as the Doritos Demon screeches to a halt midway down the windpipe. Yes, pointy foods are indeed dangerous, but that is beside the point. The people should be the focus here, not the food.

But I couldn't help thinking of food, as I chewed the neighbor's hat between my lazy jaws. A resounding baaa escaped my lungs as I sat there, staring at the commotion. What I might have forgotten to tell you is that I am not playing as one of the plain pedestrians I see wobbling back and forth in front of me. I'm the goat awkwardly standing on top of one of their heads, chewing the hat.

See, the unique selling point of Goat Simulator is that any player, like you or me, can play as one of the most misrepresented animals in all of video games. Name the last game a goat is mentioned, and you'll probably also tell me how they either had no personality, standing in the background like some kind of animated canvas, or were your source of food. Not in this game! The goat has finally been liberated from it's unimportant role to fulfill a far greater purpose...the bringer of chaos to those who have so long forsaken it.

For some odd reason the person who's head has become my steed has not seemed to notice. Of course, there are other goats meandering about the place, but they're as intelligent as the hat I'm happily chewing. I am the only sentient goat that the world has ever known, and I knew my time would come. At first, I just wanted to explore the decently rendered town, letting the light dance off of my grey physique, but then a greater plan entered my little mind.

I let out another baaa as I jumped off of my cranial ride and slammed the owner of the hat into the adjacent building. His body grotesquely twisted into a bizarre arrangement of limbs, before popping back out and running in slow motion yelling at the top of his lungs. With every physical assault I scored points at the bottom of the screen, and a name appeared telling me who I had hit. I won't share the name for privacy reasons, but within seconds he became a wobbling, freakish mess lodged into the middle of a wooden stage.

The developers of Goat Simulator didn't study human anatomy, or they believe that every man and woman alive is a contortionist. After a while, the wobbling man finally froze to a halt, expressionless and caressing the back of his foot with his flat nose. Somehow I didn't believe that was possible, especially at the hands of a small goat like myself. To be honest, it broke my sense of immersion.

Up to this point I had believed in the fantasy of being a small goat in an American suburb, but after the disturbing freak show I had just witnessed, I experienced a brief suspension of disbelief. That was not realistic at all, even though I had just flung my goat through the air via exploding gas tank a few minutes prior. I can believe in flying goats, but metaphysical, ghostly contortionists is where the line was drawn for me.

This did not detract from the overall experience, it just lowered my expectations. My high hopes and dreams of being a goat were slightly crushed underneath the foot of poorly researched human anatomy, but I shrugged and continued on anyways. They can't get everything right. At least I found another person who's head I could commandeer while I looked around the town.

Overall, my experience of being a goat is quite satisfactory. I have the ability to baaa at a moment's notice, and utilize the destructive capabilities of such a small animal to cause complete chaos whenever I felt the urge. Although this game isn't for everyone, including those looking for a story, game changing graphics, character development, decent music (you may have to mute the game at times in order to preserve your television), variety or substance, for those who have always wondered what it would be like to be a goat, this is the perfect way to spend a pleasant evening at home.