I Came, I Saw, I Caught 'Em! (Pokemon Go Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Niantic, Inc.
 Initial Release Date: July 6, 2016

Platforms: Android, IOS 

Rating: Not Rated (Mild Cartoon Violence)

Pokemon was my obsession. Every waking hour of the day consisted of researching and capturing the little monsters, and I never had enough. My little fingers tapped against the buttons of a limited edition Pikachu Gameboy Color, and I continued to feed my insatiable hunger for more of the colorful creatures. I had to catch 'em all...I just had to. 

For years I fed the obsession until it leaked into other aspects of my life. Everything from books to breakfast had to be Pokemon. My parents tried their best to accommodate my eccentricity, but eventually it became far too important. One of the few things I remember during this time in my life was when I finally put away Pokemon for good, never to be seen again. 

It was a pretty dramatic decision for an eight year old to make. Since then, Pokemon has been something I've been passively watching evolve over the years. The games started off in two dimensions, then three, adding hundreds of Pokemon to the ever expanding roster. As the years passed, I never gave another thought to Pokemon or to any of it's spinoff games. I was done. But then, a new game appeared that captured my attention. It was unlike any other Pokemon experience I had ever laid my eyes upon, and for the cheap price of "free," I caught it. This game is known as Pokemon Go.

In Pokemon Go, you can no longer sit on the couch and wile away the hours throwing balls at aggressive animals. If you are a couch potato who enjoys lying around and exploring the various regions of Pokemon from the comforts of your home, then this is not the game for you. This is a game for people who want to be the main character, who want to say bye to Mom and wander out aimlessly into the real world looking for Pokemon. Just make sure you look where you are going. Cars, trucks, planes, local wildlife, aliens and innocent human beings don't realize you are on an important quest to catch em all. So be careful when playing.

So how does Pokemon Go actually work? Simple. You go to the app store or play store, download the free game, sign up using Google or a Pokemon Trainer account and follow the steps. First, you must design your character so that you will be a unique individual. It's important to dress for success. Once that's done, the Professor (Oak, Redwood, Weeping Willow, insert tree name here...) will let you choose one of three starter Pokemon. Then, right when you think you just open a ball and receive a Pokemon...Professor Tree says "whoops" and let's them all go within a few meters of your house. In order to actually get your first Pokemon, you must catch it. In my experience, I chose Bulbasaur (my least favorite starter) because he was conveniently located in my kitchen, swaying back and forth like he found his way into the wrong cabinet.

Another thing I forgot to mention is that the game uses AR (Augmented Reality) to place the Pokemon in YOUR environment by using the camera on the back of your phone. It's pretty ingenious really. It's one thing to catch a Pokemon in a predetermined patch of grass that comes out of thin air, but when it's in your yard, it tends to make you look crazy. Try pointing your phone at the nearby woods and yell "I found you Raticate!" and see how many people look at you in disbelief, and then leave in a hurry.

Once you've caught your Raticate though, the game becomes a tad bit more stale. Each Pokemon only has a couple of moves, and the traditional system of entering random battles and leveling up is gone. You can no longer fight strategic battles with your Pokemon because all battles (except some specific ones) are done automatically. Even the ones that are not done at the discretion of the game involve little thinking from the player, which could be disappointing. The most the player is ever asked to do is tap the screen or swipe to dodge. To those of us that are used to thinking out our next move, switching Pokemon, feeding them berries, status effects, and other strategic elements, this may not be the deepest experience.

But, although the experience isn't very deep, it is pleasant in short bursts. Think of it as a slip-n-slide instead of a swimming pool and you'll get the idea. It doesn't have much depth, but it's fast and furious as you run around the real world catching random Pokemon. Thankfully, other elements from the deeper games did make their way into this adaptation. Evolving (one of Pokemon's most notable features) is fully present, but not in the way you would expect. Instead of battling through hordes of aggressive wildlife to make yours stronger, you just need to feed them candy, but only candy specifically tailored to them.

Each time a Pokemon is sent to the Professor, he sends you back a candy of that Pokemon. Although this is a smooth idea mechanically, getting rid of duplicate Pokemon so that you can power up the one you prefer, it does make me curious. What on Earth does Professor Sycamore do to the Pokemon to get candy out of them? Is getting candy from a Pokemon like milking a cow? Who knows...and it's probably best not to think about it.

Overall, I had a great time with the game. I'd recommend it to anyone who has an interest in Pokemon, spare time, and places to be. So if you are one of those people, it's time to download this little game, get out there and GO!

It Feels Good to be a Goat (Goat Simulator Review)

QUICK FACTS:

Developer: Coffee Stain Studios
Initial Release Date: April 1, 2014

Platforms: Xbox One, Xbox 360, PC, Android, IOS

Rating: Not Rated (Comic Violence, Mild Disturbing Images)

Imagine a nice sunny day in the suburbs of America. Take in the fresh aromas of a backyard barbecue as the citizens of this small town protest against pointy foods. You know how dangerous those pointy foods are, clawing their way down to the stomach with as much culinary rebellion as possible. Just ask anyone who has found themselves crying for mercy as the Doritos Demon screeches to a halt midway down the windpipe. Yes, pointy foods are indeed dangerous, but that is beside the point. The people should be the focus here, not the food.

But I couldn't help thinking of food, as I chewed the neighbor's hat between my lazy jaws. A resounding baaa escaped my lungs as I sat there, staring at the commotion. What I might have forgotten to tell you is that I am not playing as one of the plain pedestrians I see wobbling back and forth in front of me. I'm the goat awkwardly standing on top of one of their heads, chewing the hat.

See, the unique selling point of Goat Simulator is that any player, like you or me, can play as one of the most misrepresented animals in all of video games. Name the last game a goat is mentioned, and you'll probably also tell me how they either had no personality, standing in the background like some kind of animated canvas, or were your source of food. Not in this game! The goat has finally been liberated from it's unimportant role to fulfill a far greater purpose...the bringer of chaos to those who have so long forsaken it.

For some odd reason the person who's head has become my steed has not seemed to notice. Of course, there are other goats meandering about the place, but they're as intelligent as the hat I'm happily chewing. I am the only sentient goat that the world has ever known, and I knew my time would come. At first, I just wanted to explore the decently rendered town, letting the light dance off of my grey physique, but then a greater plan entered my little mind.

I let out another baaa as I jumped off of my cranial ride and slammed the owner of the hat into the adjacent building. His body grotesquely twisted into a bizarre arrangement of limbs, before popping back out and running in slow motion yelling at the top of his lungs. With every physical assault I scored points at the bottom of the screen, and a name appeared telling me who I had hit. I won't share the name for privacy reasons, but within seconds he became a wobbling, freakish mess lodged into the middle of a wooden stage.

The developers of Goat Simulator didn't study human anatomy, or they believe that every man and woman alive is a contortionist. After a while, the wobbling man finally froze to a halt, expressionless and caressing the back of his foot with his flat nose. Somehow I didn't believe that was possible, especially at the hands of a small goat like myself. To be honest, it broke my sense of immersion.

Up to this point I had believed in the fantasy of being a small goat in an American suburb, but after the disturbing freak show I had just witnessed, I experienced a brief suspension of disbelief. That was not realistic at all, even though I had just flung my goat through the air via exploding gas tank a few minutes prior. I can believe in flying goats, but metaphysical, ghostly contortionists is where the line was drawn for me.

This did not detract from the overall experience, it just lowered my expectations. My high hopes and dreams of being a goat were slightly crushed underneath the foot of poorly researched human anatomy, but I shrugged and continued on anyways. They can't get everything right. At least I found another person who's head I could commandeer while I looked around the town.

Overall, my experience of being a goat is quite satisfactory. I have the ability to baaa at a moment's notice, and utilize the destructive capabilities of such a small animal to cause complete chaos whenever I felt the urge. Although this game isn't for everyone, including those looking for a story, game changing graphics, character development, decent music (you may have to mute the game at times in order to preserve your television), variety or substance, for those who have always wondered what it would be like to be a goat, this is the perfect way to spend a pleasant evening at home.