A Game Not Fit for Hades (Ride to Hell: Retribution Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Deep Silver, Eutechnyx

Initial Release Date: June 24, 2013

Platforms: Ps3, Xbox 360, PC

Rating: M (Blood and Gore, Drug Reference, Intense Violence, Partial Nudity, Strong Language, Sexual Content)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Gather around boys and girls. Let me tell ya a story. Now this ain't gonna be no fairy tail, but a legend. You've probably heard whispers spread around this ol' town about a special game. A disc of legend that few have laid eyes on, and even fewer ever attempted to endure. I know you kids play those new, crazy games about shootin' people in wars and blowin up green aliens and stuff, but this is a different kind of game. This one is scary in ways that few can bare. Let me tell you the story of a game called Ride to Hell: Retribution.

Now you boys and girls may think that little 1% in the title means somethin special, like being the top 1% at school for bein so smart...but it doesn't. A few local historians claim that the little ol' 1% represents the bikers who are actually the hardest of the hardcore. To tell ya the truth, I ain't got the darnedest idea what bikers do, or how they relate to each other, or what goes on with the other 99% of bikers who like to ride, but I can tell ya one thing. That 1% represents the people who can endure the game, and do something that few people have managed to do successfully. Enjoy it.

You might be able to wear a smile across your face, but inside your soul is crying for release. Jake Conway is not a man you want to mess with, or even look at. His jagged complexion and pixelated persona may have you looking away to keep your eyesight. Even hearing the sound of his voice makes your eardrums cower in fear, and your hands reach up to block the pain. It's like listening to someone talk in monotone dramatically. You can't imagine that? I can't either. You have to hear it for yourself.

If you survive the initial introduction, you will have to endure playing it...and that is far worse. Everything from dancing the can-can violently to dispatch of enemies ten feet away to shooting specks of dust at bikers with that gun in your hand begs you to stop playing. But you won't...not until it's done. It's human nature to be curious, and even though your body screams at you to cease the torture, the curiosity that killed the cat will constantly whisper in your ear, "just one more level".

Somehow, each level after the first drags you slowly into the pits of pity. You may even shed some tears. Whether those tears are from joy or from suffering is something between you and your maker. That's your business. My business is to tell you to stay away.

With each passing hour, you'll wonder why you're still playin. No one but you can answer it, and you can't. The game breaks all conventional rules of fun, but still remains entertaining for those who are a sucker for pain, or the innocent bystanders who knew no better. You may even suffer brain damage, through hitting yourself in the head by way of what you kids call a "face palm" or through the constant stupidity the game expects you to take seriously.

Don't worry kids, it'll all be okay. I ain't tellin this here story to scare you, but to warn you of the dangers of taking part in this ritual. Some people that have played this game were never the same. They constantly went around yelling at things, trying to slide their bikes under tanker trucks, and expected to beat up bullies by dancing the can-can. Poor souls...they'll never recover. Their souls have been scarred by the ride...

This game's title is not just a metaphor. If you want to experience the dangerous depths of despair and agony on a disc, then go ahead. Buy it for yourself and plug it in. Watch as everything you know and love fades away into the grainy darkness of failure. Be careful that your brain doesn't leak out your ears as you play, because I can tell you that your little ol' brain will try to escape in any way that it can. If you can survive the ride, then you are a hero in this town. But if you are just looking for a game to play on a lazy, rainy afternoon, then go ahead. Take the risk.

But I can tell ya one thing. You might have played bad games before, but you've never been on a ride to hell.

Random Leave of Absence

Hey everyone! Sorry I have been absent for the past couple of weeks. I've missed writing for you guys, and I wanted to let you know that I haven't forgot about ya, and I haven't given up on my reviews. I've just been really busy at work, and I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things once I figure out my schedule and how to work my life around it.

I appreciate you guys, and I hope to write another video game review for you soon! Thank you so much for your support, and for reading my blog, and for everything you guys have done for me!

I hope to write another review soon.

Thanks,

Jonathan

Lost in Space (No Man's Sky Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Hello Games

 Initial Release Date: August 9th, 2016

Platforms: PS4, PC

Rating:  T (Fantasy Violence)

Space is infinite. There are millions of stars and solar systems beyond our own home planet, Earth. In No Man's Sky, Hello Games attempted to recreate this illusion of nearly infinite possibility using an ingenious algorithm. Everything is generated using a sophisticated formula that has never been used in games before. Planets, animals, plants, atmospheres, and landscapes are put together seamlessly as you explore the vast depths of space. There are no loading screens, no wait times, just complete freedom to go wherever you want.

After reading up on this game, I was very excited to become an interstellar explorer. Soon, my name would be over the vast universe as an interplanetary scientist, researching the worlds beyond our own, and recording them for the rest of the known universe to experience. My eyes brightened with excitement as the game finally finished installing on my PS4. With a deep breath, I took the cool plastic controller in my hand and pressed start. From this point, my journey was just beginning.

As the stars zoomed past, I imagined myself on a wonderful, tropical paradise, naming animals and relaxing in the cool breeze. Or maybe it'd be a cold, frost bitten planet where I'd have to find shelter and warmth to survive, and where all of the creatures would be fur laden mammals made to survive such harsh temperatures. Soon, the stars stopped flying past, and the screen went dark. Where was I going to end up?! I held my breath as the screen started brightening with color. Sadly, it wasn't a color I was hoping for.

Instead of a bright, lush tropical paradise, or an adventurous frozen wonderland, I set foot on something that looked like the microscopic image of a far flung piece of nasal excrement. Constant rain drops pelted the ground around me, and I let myself relax for a moment. Well, at least it's not extremely dangerous here. That thought lasted about five seconds until I took the time to notice my little white bar decreasing at a slow and steady pace. What is that? I thought to myself. Finally, the realization slapped me in the face. Really? I stared at the screen in annoyance.

Acid rain. Not only did I wind up on a planet that looked like Dagoba minus the foliage and a wise Jedi Master who had an odd grasp on the English language, but now it was raining acid on me. No wonder there wasn't any life here, except for some mushrooms sprouting up out of the ground like gross, hairy growths on the nasal excrement. I sighed and walked to my ship. Well, I'm leaving this disgusting planet, and then I'll enjoy myself.

Aha there it is! I walked over to my beautiful ship and pressed the enter button. The ship closed around me and I looked out, saying bye to the planet. Normally, I'd say good bye to a place I'd been to, but there was nothing good about this planet. I pressed the ignition button, and then growled. Apparently, my ship was broken.

Great! I yelled to myself and exited the ship. First, I'm on the ugliest planet of all time, and now I have to fix a ship that was broken. Calm, alluring music filled my ears, as if I were taking in the most astounding landscape. Apparently the game wasn't smart enough to realize that I had the short straw in the planet drawing. Fine, enough about the planet, I thought to myself as I walked away from the ship. I'm gonna leave here soon anyway.

I pulled out my laser to mine some materials, then realized the laser was broken. What on Earth did I do to myself before the game started? My voice became gravelly as I started whacking rocks with all my force. Who would've known that this amazing, expensive game would've boiled down to Minecraft in space. 

After about an hour of wandering around the planet, I finally had the materials to fix my ship. With a sudden burst of excitement I ran all the way back to my ship, transferred the materials and was ready for take off. What I didn't realize....was that the thrusters and the launching part of the ship were different. In short, my ship was still broken. With that, I shut the game off. I wanted to explore the infinite depths of space, I really did, but this game had a way of teasing me. It's like a date with a girl who won't give you a kiss goodnight...after dating for six months. Although I do admire the effort put into this game, I can't say that I recommend it.

It's a well designed game, with a nice soundtrack, decent graphics, and smooth game play, but you will need lots of time to get anything good out of it, and time is not something I have a lot of these days. Therefore, if you are in the mood for something different, calm, and interesting, try it. It's definitely worth the experience, but I would borrow it, not buy it. At least for now.

The one thing I must say is that it was a valiant and creative effort on the part of Hello Games to create something this innovative. I understand the art of game design and must say that they were genius in their ideas. The only problem is that the genius they instilled in this game is hard to get to initially, and it takes time to leave the planet that you're on. Now if you start on a beautiful planet then by all means enjoy yourself! But for me, and my little, poopy planet I wound up on, I realized something from the start. This game had an appropriate title, and I would definitely say it was Not My Sky. 

Time Constrained Treasure (You Have 10 Seconds 2 Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Tamation Games

Initial Release Date: August 26, 2016

Platforms: PC

Rating: Not Rated (Mild Cartoon Violence)

You have ten seconds. Ok, here are the rules. Nine. Right arrow on your keyboard is to move right. Eight. Left arrow is to move left. Seven. Space bar is to jump. Six. You see that door over there? Five. No, not the black one! Four. The white one! Three. Hurry! Run to it! Two. Now touch it! One. Phew! That was close.

As the screen cascades in a twisting block of white, you are assaulted with another set of instructions. The ice is slick! Don't touch those spikes or you'll...never mind, just start at the beginning of the level again. Ok, now that you got the rules, make sure you...oh wait I forgot to tell you that the map is upside down. RESTART. Great, now you understand that the map is upside down, you'll need to use the portals. Yes, jump through them. Good. 

It may seem chaotic now, but you're getting the hang of it. Just a few more levels to go. You got this! I believe in you! And...welcome back to the level select screen. Now you can do the process all over again by walking through that door down the hall.

Wait, you want a review? Well, here's the gist of it. You are a little white block. Throughout the game there will be many contrived reasons why you can't just go through the door. You have to learn to run, jump, teleport, swim, shrink, flip gravity, and lots of other stuff if you wanna survive. Don't worry though, the game is great at easing you in. Also, I am not sure why, but I think it may be important to mention that the game defaults to a little window instead of full screen. So, if you are looking for a game with gorgeous graphics and detailed lighting....you are looking at the wrong game. It's free though, and small, so it can fit comfortably in your hard drive like a small kitten in a box you found on a rainy street in New York. Now that is an obscure movie reference. Moving on.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Game play. You see that number at the top of the screen rapidly descending and beeping as you move around? That is how much time you have left. Not only does the game restrict you from going to the door, but you must do it in ten seconds! In any other game, this would be a frustrating constraint. But, the beauty of this gem is in it's construction. By giving the players ten seconds, the levels are simplistic but challenging. 

You don't have to worry about memorizing long strings of combos, or managing items in an every expanding and increasingly irrelevant inventory. Instead, it's the foundation of a what a video game should be. Quick reflexes and immediate attention to the goal at hand. Now, I do respect games that go far beyond this, but You Only Have 10 Seconds 2 reminds me of a simpler time when video games were pure entertainment.

At times you'll want to hi five yourself in the face for being a genius and an idiot in the same ten seconds. In my years of gaming I've never felt so pleasantly frustrated. The pleasure comes in knowing that there must be a simple solution waiting right in front of you, and within ten seconds you can beat a level that took you ten minutes to figure out. Everything else, from repeatedly hitting the same spike that you KNOW is there to missing the door right when the last second ticks away can lead to maddening frustration. Don't worry, the frustration will wear off and reveal a sense of accomplishment that is rare in modern gaming.

If you like fast paced game play, easy to understand controls, a catchy chiptune soundtrack, and the unnerving sense of tension brought upon by a constantly ticking time bomb, then I highly recommend You Only Have 10 Seconds 2.  A brief disclaimer though. The game is very short, but there is a level editor which could provide some extra entertainment for the creative types. It's a pretty intuitive interface that allows you to easily come up with insanely difficult labyrinths for you and your friends. This only unlocks after you beat the game however, so that you understand how all of the different objects work, which I think is a smart idea.

I have ten seconds left. Well I hope you enjoyed reading my review. Nine. It was fun playing and writing for you guys. Eight. Looks like my time is running short so I'll say this. Seven. The game is free to play. Six. It's on Steam (the PC gaming client). Five. And you can download it at the time of this writing! Four. So, if you're up for a game that's easy to learn. Three. But difficult and engaging to play. Two. Go ahead and download You Only Have 10 Seconds 2! One. You won't regret it. Good bye.

REVIEW TERMINATED.

A Fight Through Eternity (Nioh Beta Review)

Quick Facts:

 Developer: Tecmo Koei

Planned Release Date: December 31, 2016

Platforms: PS4

Rating: RP (Rate Pending: Contains Intense Violence, Blood and Gore)

Disclaimer: This game is currently in development, and this review is only of the beta demo released recently over PSN (Playstation Network). Some features may differ or not work entirely due to the nature of this being an unfinished product. Therefore, this is not a review of the game as a whole, but of my impressions of it's current state.

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN.

He was alone. The wet caress of the ocean's tide lapped against his still body as he started to rise. Everything was silent, except for his beating heart. A sudden, nasty smell took over his body as he coughed and glanced over at the dead body rocking back and forth in the tide. Flies buzzed around it in a cloud of darkness. Little streams of blood flowed into the ocean as the body lie motionless before him.

The cause of death was immediately apparent. Most people wear swords in sheathes on their sides. This deceased individual was holding it through the center of their body. It wasn't a convenient place to carry a weapon, since he probably couldn't even reach the sword from back there, and pulling it out would be quite painful. He stopped letting his mind wander, and stumbled over to the body. 

Strong odors erupted from the corpse as he managed to slowly draw the sword from the recently departed. It was a nice blade, sharp and light. With a few quick slashes he became accustomed to the weight of the beautiful weapon he held. This will do, he thought to himself and washed off the blade in the water. 

The cold night air bit at his lightly clothed body. After the incident, all he had was the tattered and torn clothes on his back. Somehow, the wind found the perfect angles from which to freeze his body through the holes in his clothes. There must be a house, or some place for warmth, he thought to himself as he shivered and stumbled down the beach.

With each step, he left a deep impression in the sand beneath him. He held his sword, shaking in front of him as he surveyed the area. The last thing he needed was an ambush from people who might have wanted him dead. The next to last thing he needed was the sudden realization that he wasn't alone. His body spun around to face the torch that just lit up. Someone was watching him.

He could feel the presence of two piercing eyes glaring at him from the darkness, and he readied his sword. This fight would be short. Suddenly a person yelled and slashed at him from the shadows. He blocked and attacked him with a few strikes of his own. With each strike, he tried to gauge his energy. If it got too low, he'd be at the mercy of his attacker in a pitiful, weakened state.

Sparks flew off the weapon as the two pieces of aggressive metal collided in the night. The assailant said nothing as he continued striking. Blood splattered on the walls of the straw hut as he slashed into his attacker, but the violent man was not greatly affected by the loss. With each strike the man started to notice that a ring of white surrounded his body. What was that? Suddenly, he focused on recovering energy. In the blink of an eye he was back up to full stamina, and a ghostly form overlapped his own. 

What was this power? A new confidence overtook his weary body, and the conflict continued. With a series of careful blocks and slashes of his sword, the assailant was finally wearing down. Silently, his sword finished off the attacker. He sheathed his sword as the aggressor's body hit the floor. This was one of many battles he knew he'd face. His eyes glanced around the beach and noticed fiery swords sticking up from the sand. These were the signs of others who had fallen. As he approached them, a small circle rose above them like a ghostly apparition, showing him their name, level, and what weapon they were using when they died. He could challenge them to a duel, to see who was a better fighter, but he wanted to rest from the previous encounter. Tonight was just beginning, and there were a lot more fights to be conquered if he wanted to survive.

This all happened within the first few minutes of my experience of Nioh. Think of it as a mix between Ninja Gaiden (because of the pace of it's combat) and Dark Souls (due to it's unforgiving difficulty). Although the combat may not seem deep, due to it's lack of complex combos, it is very intricate. You have access to three different stances, low, medium, and high, that change the game play drastically. Each has their own series of special moves to learn throughout the course of the game, and to master by using different weapons in each stance.

While in most games you get your gear by defeating the NPCs (Non-Playable Characters) in the world, Nioh is a bit different. Although there are enemies that populate your surroundings, most conflicts I had were with other players. It is an asynchronous experience (meaning that you are not fighting another player in real time, but a recording of their play style through the game's advanced AI), but that doesn't stop it from being exciting. In fact, I spent most of my time fighting other players because the enemies in the world were not really exciting in the beta. 

The process for summoning another player to fight is really simple. All you have to do is walk up to a fiery sword in the ground, and hold the O button until they appear. Once they appear, however, you must defeat them or die. You cannot cancel a fight if it isn't going in your favor, so keep that in mind if you want to duel someone. Just make sure yo have at least one healing item, or you will be in trouble. Other players have tactics that will surprise you, like being beaten by a level 1 samurai when I was level 6 because he randomly changed stances and sent a flurry of rapid attacks without warning. They are an unpredictably enjoyable part of the overall experience.

Nioh is a highly addictive experience, from the leveling system, to trying to get in just ONE MORE FIGHT before going to bed. If you like exciting action, strategic combat, and excruciating difficulty, I'd definitely recommend Nioh. The graphics are decent, but the mood outweighs any lack of graphical fidelity. Overall, I suggest that you download and give Nioh a try, even though this comes with a warning. YOU WILL DIE A LOT IN THIS GAME, especially if you are just starting out. It's like an eternity of living the same experience over and over again. Live, fight, die, repeat. If this doesn't bother you, and you are up for a challenge, then go ahead and try it! You won't regret it. 

(This game was in open beta at the time of this writing, and is free on Playstation Network to try for a limited time. I do not know when the beta will end, so it's best to try it as soon as possible before it is pulled from the store.)

Miami Case Files...in Color! (Battlefield Hardline Review)

Quick Facts:

 Developer: EA DICE, Visceral Games, Criterion Games

Initial Release Date: March 17, 2015

Platforms: PS4, Xbox One, PS3, Xbox 360, PC

Rating: M (Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Strong Language, Use of Drugs)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Today was just one of those days. The rain kept pouring down on our backs, soaking us in dark, wet depression. We couldn't let it get to us now. There was a job to be done. A guy to find. Oddly, I couldn't see my feet. Whenever I looked down, all I saw was the beautifully illuminated texture of the concrete beneath me. My partner didn't seem to notice my sudden fascination and kept whispering at me to follow behind closely. Don't let them see you. Got it.

With each splashing step of my invisible feet I inched closer to the fence. Some crazy lady to my right was yelling at nobody and rummaging through a trash can. Weird, I thought to myself. She must be on something. Suddenly, I whipped my head around to see my partner crossing the street, sticking her butt out like a prideful turkey. Did she really need to walk like that? I thought to myself and followed suit. 

There was no one here, except for the crazy lady talking to her trash can. I looked her way and stared in disbelief. Where was my partner going? I moved with an unnaturally smooth grace across the street, not even shifting my weight from foot to foot as I glided. Maybe I didn't have feet.

While my thoughts wandered I suddenly noticed that everything was an odd shade of blue.

"We are almost there. We can't let them see us." A voice whispered to me as I abruptly stopped. Something was wrong here. Suddenly, the realization slapped me as my face flushed red in embarrassment. I stepped away slowly, hoping that my partner didn't realize that my face had been suddenly acquainted with her rear end. Phew, she didn't notice.

I stood up straight, trying to regain my composure as I looked over at three guys talking to each other. The street lamp highlighted them as they carried on a conversation. Little shadows danced around their clothes as the wind blew. For some reason I kept noticing the tiny details this evening, but that's part of my job. I AM a detective.

As time passed I noticed that the three men stopped. Their forms swayed back and forth, making hand gestures but not saying anything. My eyes glanced over at my partner, who was calmly taking everything in. She was silent, looking out at the three men, and then me. Was I missing something?

With some hesitation, I walked over to the three men, calmly floating across the wet concrete. I felt the sudden urge to do something drastic as I approached them.

"Police! Drop your weapons!" I yelled, flashing my badge from across the street in the dark. Immediately two of them ran off, but the third one stood with his hands up. I quickly glided over to the man and then did something that was difficult to explain. Normally, I wouldn't share this kind of information in a report, but I need to in this case.

Without warning I was out of control of my body, and I saw myself talking to this guy. I suddenly had feet, and a face that I could actually look at. Did I look that beat up? Oh well.

The man talked to us and swore that he didn't know where our suspect was, even though we knew he was good friends with him. We threatened him a couple of times, and them punched him around a bit. I couldn't control any of my actions, but I knew that I probably would've done the same thing. It was like one of those out of body experiences people talk about. Thankfully, it was over in a few minutes, and I arrested the man, putting the cuffs on him and slamming him to the ground. Everything went smoothly, and within minutes I was done with the mission.

This is just one of the many missions I accomplished while playing Battlefield Hardline. Instead of focusing on major wars like previous Battlefield entries, this one plays out like a police drama. Everything from the office scenes to arresting people on the streets reminded me of different cop dramas I had seen over the years. I even collected evidence using a scanner, and then put the pieces together to learn more about the criminals I was trying to catch.

Although the game is not as intricate as L.A. Noire, another game that was a police drama, the action in this game is a lot more polished, along with the visuals. It isn't a completely fair comparison since the L.A. Noire came out on last gen consoles like Xbox 360 exclusively, but the environments do look amazing in Battlefield Hardline.

I was drawn into each plot twist and action scene, since the acting is great and the environments are beautifully detailed with smooth animation and gorgeous lighting. I will not spoil any plot point here, since it is not my goal in this report to ruin the story of such a great game.

If stories and awesome environments aren't your thing, there are a variety of competitive multiplayer modes to keep you company. I didn't play a lot of the multiplayer before writing this report because I believe that once you play it for a few minutes you can fully understand the experience. Basically, do the objective, kill other players, get points, level up, get new weapons, rinse, repeat. Nothing new in the multiplayer shooting market. It's not offensive in any way, nor is it boring, but it didn't stand out to me in any particular way.

Overall, if you enjoy police dramas filled with suspense, plot twists, justice, good graphics, and a lack of feet as you glide around town, then I'd recommend Battlefield Hardline. Now I just need to file this report and get ready for another mission on the Miami Police Force. Officer J.S. Out.

Comments Section (Update)

Hey everyone! I have just unlocked the comments section on my blog for each post that I write, so if you like you can now feel free to comment and leave suggestions, criticisms, encouragements, gripes or whatever comes to mind. :)

Thank you guys for all of your support for my blog! It really means a lot to me.

Keep on playing, my friends. :)

Jonathan

PS. Sorry for the technical difficulties there. I fixed it for real this time. Thanks again!

Poor Man's Epic (Ben Hur Review)

Quick Facts:

 Developer: Krome Studios

Initial Release Date: August 8, 2016

Platforms: Xbox One

Rating: T (Violence)

Remember being a kid? You probably had bright, curious eyes and a contagious laugh that made you look forward to the life ahead of you. With each bounding step you were reacting constantly to external stimuli. From the sudden joy of finding your favorite toy to the itching curiosity of not knowing what was hiding in your presents, you were constantly experiencing a flux of emotions and moods that made life interesting...

If there was one thing that really made life interesting back in those days, it was the joy of discovering that your favorite box of cereal also had a toy in it! With great expectation you'd ask your mom or dad to pick up a box of your favorite cereal, and then rush to get to the hidden gem. It was always something silly, like a flashlight, a battery operated gizmo, or just a collectible, but you wanted it. The toy might have entertained you for only a few minutes, but you'll always remember it. If the toy wasn't what you thought it'd be, you'd feel the bitter sting of disappointment, but at least you had the delicious, crunchy cereal to enjoy.

Ben Hur is like finding a toy that seemed pretty decent when you laid eyes on it, but then realize that it's a one trick pony. And there is no cereal at the end. Only wasted hard drive space.

It's a game made for those with really short attention spans or miserable hand eye coordination, but it presents itself as a challenge. Every minute of game play, little bubbles full of gamerscore popped up to reward me for playing the game. Congratulations! You won a race. Good job! You knocked someone off their chariot. Hooray! You turned left. Well done! You wrecked.

Through this game's extensive three race career, I managed to get almost every achievement the game had to offer. You might think that the races are interspersed with some kind of dialogue, story, or at least context, and you'd be wrong. If I were to write a strategy guide for Ben Hur it'd look like this.

"Start the game. Choose 'New Race'. Whip opponents. Turn left. Win."

It's as simple as that! Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that you can whip your horses by tapping the A button, but don't do it too much because the horses get exhausted after two seconds and will slow down to a speed that is slower than the starting speed before you started whipping them. But, if you don't whip them you can't expect to win, because the computer players don't have that problem.

So instead of a boost mechanic you'd see in other racers with a bar and a cool down, you'll constantly be tapping that button at weird intervals. It's like pouring a soda slowly over a cup of ice. Pour it too fast and you'll fizz all over the table, but if you pour it too slowly, the soda will be flat.

The only part of this game I did enjoy was when other racers wrecked in slow motion, but even that design choice was odd. Instead of swinging the camera around briefly to show the wreckage (like Burnout Paradise does so well), it reveals the wreckage in a little square at the bottom of the screen as if the race were being covered by ESPN.

If you don't mind these weird design quirks, and if you're looking for easy gamerscore, then I'd recommend this game for the sole purpose of experiencing something new. It will only last a few minutes, so even if the experience is painful it'll be brief. Then, after you've finished beating the game, go get yourself some delicious, crunchy cereal. Your inner child will thank you.

Keeping the Creed (Assassin Creed Unity Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Ubisoft

Initial Release Date: November 11, 2014

Platforms: PS4, Xbox One, PC

Rating: M (Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Sexual Themes, Strong Language, Use of Alcohol)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Assassins are mysterious phantoms. They hide among the crowd, waiting for their highly valued prey. With each passing moment, they learn more about their target. Nothing goes unnoticed, not even the subtlest detail about their victim. An assassin can study every intricacy of a person, from the subtle sway of their walk to the furtive eye movements made during important negotiations. Of course, there is one piece of information that takes priority above all others. They know when their victim will be  alone.

In one swift strike, the predator steals the life of their unfortunate prey. With a slight smirk, the assassin will then report their exploits to their client, and be paid for their highly skilled craft. A skilled player in Assassin's Creed: Unity can pull off this kind of stunt with the slightest ease. The controls are intuitive and easy to learn. Even if you forget, there is a helpful diagram at the top right of the screen that shows what each button does in a given situation which is very helpful.

Thankfully, the diagram doesn't take away from the beautifully lit environments. Each cobblestone can be seen in the street as you walk down it, and light realistically reflects off of each surface as the time of day changes. It is simultaneously pretty and grimy. Dirt can be seen clinging to the clothes of beggars as they line the streets calling out for just enough money to survive, which adds to the gritty realism that the game is trying to portray. A red suited man jumping all over buildings and on top of people like a misplaced French Mario brother does not. This is where the seriousness of the game breaks down altogether.

See, most people play this game with the intent of pulling off the stealthiest kill and going away undetected. I do my best to be really noticeable, and then if someone in the game has a problem with it, I kill them. Not civilians of course, since the game won't allow you to lay a hand on them, although the guards give me problems. They can't seem to understand that it is perfectly normal for a man to stand on top of a lamppost and try to land on someone's head as they walk underneath, or interrupt a romantic evening by standing awkwardly between a couple until they start oddly swaying back and forth in confusion.

In fact, I think I'm the sane one compared to most of the people in this game. On the way to stop a thief, I noticed that there was a woman literally yelling at a wall. Her arms flailed around like she was throwing a temper tantrum, and suddenly she just stopped, staring at the bricks as if they were responding to her inaudible demands. Weird.

After stopping the thief, the guards started attacking. Whether it was out of jealous rage or a serious misunderstanding I wasn't sure, but I knew what to do with them. Combat in Assassin's Creed: Unity is simplistic but well implemented. You swing your sword with one button, and parry with another. Thankfully, your opponents tell you that they are about to swing their sword about thirty seconds before they actually start moving towards you, so you have plenty of time to react. Once you DO react, you can finish them off with a wonderfully animated take down, which is contextual based on your position.

A healthy splatter of blood covers the walls and floor of whatever room you're in when in combat, showing a realistic depiction of swordplay. For those who are not into violent games, there isn't much to fear here. Although there is a little bit of blood, there isn't a lot of dismemberment or anything too gruesome during these combat sequences. Think of it like a basic PG-13 rated action flick and you'll get the gist of it.

Once I finished off the last guard, I stopped to marvel at the wonderful sunset. Lights play off the environment beautifully, even though the brightness can hurt the eyes if it's set too high (which can be adjusted in the menus). It is then that I noticed the subtle details. Once I wiped the blood off of my blade I took a moment to breathe and look around. One thing that Assassin's Creed: Unity does well is it's attention to detail.

When you walk around the city, you'll notice little details that most developers overlook. I once ran into a group of people dancing to classical violin music. It wasn't a canned animation that looped every five seconds either, it was a legitimate dance. Minor artistic touches like these are what makes games art.

You may be wondering more about the story, and after this review you will still wonder about it because I won't tell you. It is better that you experience the story for yourself than if I were to weakly attempt to summarize it in such a short review. All I can say is that it is well written, the voice actors did a fantastic job, and the graphics will glue your eyes to the screen.

Also, if you are in the mood for some comical camaraderie, there is a multiplayer option where you and a few friends can play co-op missions together. All you have to do is find them, invite them to your game, and wander the city together, climbing buildings and jumping on people to your hearts content. You can also attempt the harder group missions that provide cosmetic and monetary rewards if you feel up to the challenge.

Assassin's Creed: Unity is a great experience and I enjoyed my time with it. It has beautiful graphics, a moving soundtrack, and a keen eye for intricate detail. Even if you are not an aspiring assassin, this game will kill time in an efficient and enjoyable manner.

Rogue Robots (Ultratron review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Puppy Games

Initial Release Date: March 18, 2013

Platforms:  PS3, PS4, PS Vita, Wii U, Xbox One, PC, Mac, Linux

Rating: E

Intruder alert! Sirens scream everywhere as you try to stay alive. Colorful sparks flood the screen as each robot is destroyed with deadly precision. Lights flash over the metal assassin as he fills the arena with sparks and coins that it must collect. With each defeated adversary, you feel a unique sensation. Blood pumps through your veins as techno music fills the neon backdrop with an underlying sense of urgency. You must escape, but there is a fear creeping deep within. What if there is no end? 

You ignore the thought and focus on the last few enemies in the room creeping towards you. Within seconds they erupt in sparks and currency. The game pauses. Is this the end? No. Suddenly, the game transports you to a different room altogether, letting you upgrade your weapons, repair your shields, and install little helpers that can fire on their own. A deep suspicion starts to formulate inside of your brain as you look at the options laid out before you. If this factory wants you dead, then why are they allowing you to become more powerful? Do they want to see you destroy all of their hard work? 

Ultratron never answers these questions. Instead of weaving a narrative to explain your actions, or why everything wants to shoot you, it assumes you aren't here for answers. You're here for a challenge of wit and reflexes. This isn't a story driven indie masterpiece like Limbo or Braid. It's a retro style throwback to a simpler time when games didn't need to say a word to demand your attention. 

Everything from the neon graphics to the simplistic gameplay brings back memories of dimly lit arcades filled with gamers trying to reach the coveted top score. The main difference between this new generation of retro style twin-stick shooter (where you control the character with the left joystick, and aim with the right), and previous shooters is that your competition is far greater. While the arcade dwellers had each other and the occasional visitor to compete against, Ultratron unites the world.

When your little robot friend finally bites the dust (and it will), the game greets you with your score, and then how insignificant your efforts were compared to the world's elite gamers. It can be disheartening to realize that the hour you pumped into surviving endless waves of malicious robots only netted you the 123,456th place on the leaderboard, but that is where the longevity of the game comes to the forefront. Some may seek to conquer the world with their amazing skills and razor sharp reflexes. With time and effort, they may reach the top and have their name forever remembered until someone surpasses them. That is the brutal irony of achieving the top of a leaderboard. You're only recognized if you remain there. If you are not the competitive type, then these leaderboards will probably be irrelevant to you.

But, if you are in the mood for an intense, neon filled adrenaline rush then I'd highly recommend this game. Just don't expect to be involved in a deep narrative or complex gameplay. It's a simple shooter with one specialty that it does really well...destroy your rogue robot as fast as possible.

(At the time of this writing, this game was free to PS Plus members on PS3, PS4, and PS Vita, which is where I received my copy for review. If you are interested in getting the game and are a PS Plus subscriber, now would be the best time.)

Reader's Choice: RPG

Hey everyone! The new reader's choice poll is up and running! You guys now have a choice between four great Role Playing Games for me to review for the next week. I look forward to seeing which one you will choose!

For your convenience I have added trailers for each of the four games listed so that you can get a glimpse of what each one looks like.

1. Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

2. Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning

3. Lords of the Fallen

4. Fallout 4

Winner for Reader's Choice (8/6/16)

Hey everyone! The poll results have come in from this past week...and the winner is Assassin's Creed Unity! I want to thank everyone who participated in the Reader's Choice section of the blog, because it helps me to figure out which games you guys want to see reviewed next.

Expect to see a review for this awesome title within the week! Thank you guys again for your participation.

I will be posting again soon with updates on the next Reader's Choice!

The History of Warfare (Warriors Orochi 3 Ultimate Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Omega Force
Initial Release Date: September 2, 2014

Platforms: PS3, PS4, PS Vita, Xbox ONE

Rating: T (Mild language, Suggestive Themes, Use of Alcohol and Tobacco, Violence)

Ancient warfare was brutal. Soldiers did not have the convenience of long range weaponry, and had to rely on quick footwork, strong arms, and brilliant hand eye coordination to take down their foes. Thousands of people would battle for supremacy across wide battlefields, but only certain ones had special abilities. Their talents extended far beyond the connection with their swords and spears and into the depths of their souls. 

Some might think that these gifts dealt in the realm of strategy or sophistication in warfare, but I am here to report from first hand experience that these men and women were far more powerful. They did not spend time in war rooms concocting brilliant battlefield strategies. Instead, they spent their time and energy training diligently. After months of physical labor they emerged onto the battlefield with a new authority.

They tore through hundreds of soldiers, slashing through waves of trained combatants and standing among their disappearing bodies in victory. Warriors Orochi 3 Ultimate captures this feeling perfectly. As I sat there pressing a single button, I wiped away hundreds of fighters and chuckled at their weakness. The more I fought, the more powerful my soldiers became. Each one has their own leveling system, which dictates the length and complexity of their combos, as well as other stats such as health and magical abilities.

It is easy to pick up and play for anyone willing to hold a controller, but is not difficult enough for those who want to keep the controller firmly in their grasp. Once you get the main controls down, the repetition begins to sink in a sort of relaxing, satisfying rhythm. It's oddly cathartic when you witness hundreds of people falling beneath your mighty sword. Even the bosses are defeated with relative ease, which may be a turnoff for anyone looking for a relatively challenging experience.

When you are not fighting, you are probably wondering where to go next. Usually a map is supposed to be helpful in directing someone get from point A to point B, but this game would rather show you how point A goes to point X, what point D is doing to point F, how point E is reacting to point S, and how Point T is tired of the way Points U and W are treating it when suddenly Point B disappears entirely. In short, the map is in a battle of it's own. The map consists of lots of blue dots for friends, and red dots for enemies, which is simple enough, but if you are looking for directions, I have one piece of advice. Go as far to the opposite corner from where you started from as possible. If you run into a wall or a gate, or if someone starts randomly yelling at you in Japanese for going in that direction, then you are closer to beating the mission.

While you travel from one point to another, you begin to realize that nothing in the world has texture. There might be some tiny blades of grass here and there, but nothing feels like the battles are taking place in a realistic environment. This is definitely not a deal breaker, and I actually enjoyed the simplistic style of the game. It made it easier for me to focus on all of the crazy events going on without being distracted by unnecessary detail.

Once the battles are over, you return to a base camp and upgrade characters, which is a pretty straightforward process, though it is never fully explained. I won't ruin the surprise in this review, but let's just say that once you figure out weapon upgrading you will enjoy it. It seems like an unnecessary addition to the game, since almost every enemy you'll come across falls in one hit, but it is still a nice touch to see the progression of your characters and their mastery of the weapons that they wield.

Now you may have noticed that I have spent the whole review discussing the mechanics and haven't mentioned the story once. Well, to be honest, I didn't pay much attention to it. When a game starts off with a normal battle, then throws in a hydra, and then says that you can randomly time travel back and forth to save people that you didn't save previously because the hydra was about to kill you and some spirit lady shows up out of the blue to tell you all of this without any backstory...you get lost. It's also in Japanese, with English subtitles, which is not a bad thing, but it gets tedious to read paragraphs worth of material as the characters stand there and converse with each other in a language I do not understand. This is a personal view, since a lot of people prefer a Japanese recording to their English dubbed counterparts, but I would like it if I didn't have to read as much to get the story. If I wanted to read that much, I'd turn off my Xbox and open a book.

Even though it sounds as though I am giving this game a lot of negative criticism, I really enjoyed the experience. The simplicity of it is cathartic, especially after a long, hard day. With Warriors Orochi 3 Ultimate, I can just sit back, relax, and fight epic battles without worrying about skill or practice. It's like a sweet dessert to my steady diet of virtual challenge that I get from other games. I highly recommend this game for those who are in the mood for mindless fun, whether that is through fighting hundreds of enemies in battles, or fighting your friends one on one in duel mode. Just don't use it as a source for a history paper on ancient warfare, or else you'll fail it.

Journal of a Time Traveler (Life Is Strange: Episode 1 review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Dontnod Entertainment
Initial Release Date: January 29, 2015

Platforms: Linux, PC, Mac, PS3, PS4, Xbox 360, Xbox One

Rating: M (Blood, Intense Violence, Sexual Themes, Strong Language, Use of Drugs, Use of Alcohol)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Dear Journal,

Everyone thinks I'm a freak. It's not easy being the new girl at Blackwell Academy, especially if you don't know how to communicate with the outside world except through clicks of the camera. You see, I capture the world in brief, immortal glimpses. My eyes notice light, color, and texture, and I seek to catch that moment in time. In pictures, one can witness a scene in this world's ongoing play. It's like preserving a piece of life, holding it captive within the borders of a simple piece of paper.

When I show people my work, it's like letting them glimpse into my soul. It's not just a photograph, it's like...like letting someone look through my eyes, and feel my raw emotions. Each picture I take shows them another piece of who I am. That is why I couldn't turn in my work today.

If my professor saw it, he'd probably laugh at it. He'd dismiss it as the work of an amateur, and leave me with a crushed piece of my soul. Nothing would be good enough for him. He's famous around the world as a brilliant photographer, and I'm just me. Nothing special, nothing to admire, nothing to appreciate. Wow, that got depressing.

Something was different today though. Ever have that feeling that someone is watching you? Yeah, it's similar to that, but on a deeper level. I felt like...like someone was looking at me and making judgements based on what I did. I tried to keep myself together, but for some reason I kept seeing chalky, white letters appearing above random objects. It freaked me out but I kept my cool. No one needed to think I was even more of a freak. 

These notes kept showing up everywhere, but only on certain objects and people. Am I crazy? Maybe. I tried to sneak out the door to gather my thoughts, but my professor stopped me. I came up with some lame excuse why I couldn't turn in my photography assignment and a little note popped up next to his head. "He will remember that," it said. What the heck? 

I ran to the bathroom to gather my composure...and then was back in class again. The same...exact...place. I still don't remember how I got there, but I know something was wrong. Everyone rehearsed the same lines I heard before, like I was on some kind of film set and my class was a group of actors. I might be crazy, but I think I have a superpower. Get me a cape and a catchphrase because I'm here to save the day! I must be losing it.

Apparently I can manipulate time, which is pretty rad. The rest of the day I spent using my time manipulation abilities to change things. I'm a hero! Maybe this little freak can actually do something for once to help humanity. Taking pictures is fun, but something about running around saving the day sounds better. Of course, there still was that feeling of someone watching me...and judging.

I hope nobody reads this journal entry or they're going to think I'm crazy or stupid. Who cares? There must be a reason for me to have this power, and I haven't found out why yet but I have a feeling that this is just the beginning of a long journey. If there is anything I learned today, it's this...

Life is Strange.

- Max Caulfield

Reader's Choice!

Hey everyone! I have decided to add a new section to the blog! It is on the right under my subscribe button, and it is called "Reader's Choice."  Every week I will be posting four games out of a certain genre (action is this week's genre) that I can review based on YOUR feedback.

Each week I will try to post a new list of games on either Sunday or Monday. The poll will be up till 11:55pm Friday night. I will announce the winner of the poll on that Saturday, and will post a review of that game within the following week (along with any other reviews that I feel like posting).

I hope you guys enjoy this new expansion to my blog, and I hope to hear from you! I appreciate all of you and hope that you continue to read and enjoy my blog, Adventures In Gaming.

If you think of any games that are not listed or that you would like to see reviewed, just email me at adveningaming@gmail.com!

Desert Delivery Boy (Rage Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Id Software
Initial Release Date: October 4, 2011

Platforms: PC, PS3, Xbox 360, Mac

Rating: M (Blood and Gore, Strong Language, Intense Violence)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Heat can do strange things to a man. It drains you of life, slowly dehydrating the body until the only thing you can feel is a steady burn and the dryness of the throat. Most can escape the heat's manipulation, but in the desert, no one can see you sweat. Well, unless they are near you, then they see you sweat a lot.

In the world of Rage, you are the victim of a post apocalyptic kidnapping. There is no telling how you got in this situation, but it doesn't matter. Before long you are rescued by a mysterious stranger, who takes you on an exhilarating ride through the wasteland to a safe haven. You decide to rest your head and try to regain your strength as the stranger tells you everything will be alright. The harsh light of the sun starts to fade slightly as you close your eyes. "We're here!' the game tells you and immediately pushes you out of the car. 

You may think that you've been sleeping for a long time, but then you realize something. The safe haven is only a few hundred yards away from where you were held hostage. I'm not an expert on rescuing people from prison or anything, but wouldn't it have made more sense to escort someone a little further away? Especially when the escape was not exactly stealthy?

Well, sooner or later you won't care how far away your makeshift prison was. You may even think that you are of some relative importance, since someone came all the way out there to save you. In their dire need, this small group of wasteland survivors rescued you from the maw of the marauders. Yes, you are the chosen one, and with that thought you raise your head in high self esteem. 

With your newly discovered stride you saunter over to the bar and ask for a weapon. In order to get down to business protecting these here folk, you'll need yourself a trusty gun. These people need you after all, and you're here to return the favor of your rescue by lending them your sly wit and razor sharp focus and...

"Oh, in order to get that you'll need to fight some bandits. Take this here boomerang with ya." The bartender says.

Out of all the guns this town has, including the one the bartender is HOLDING right in front of you...he gives you a boomerang. It's called a wingstick, with razor sharp edges and is surprisingly useful once you start decapitating random angry people who like to swing off of chandeliers but that is beside the point. He gave you a boomerang.

Once you finish that whole ordeal, taking in the desolate but well rendered scenery, and killing the last balletic bandit, a voice crackles over the radio.

"Good job! Come on back to base." It says in a gravelly attempt at a western voice. Somehow, they managed to see everything. You whip around, looking at every crumbled piece of stone and coughing as the sand enters your mouth that is gaping open. Apparently, the bartender is psychic.

After you get back to base with new bandit blood on your hands (and pretty much everywhere else it seems) you are ready to really get down to business. The bartender smiles dryly and gives you the gun, but then he asks you to deliver an important letter to a nearby colony. This is your chance! Not only are you the chosen one, but now you will be famous!

With that thought you race over to the garage to claim your ride. Dust kicks up from your feet as you sprint over to the mechanic, who is leaning against the counter. At the press of a button you ask for your duly deserved dune buggy.

"Well hi there," he replies, "I see you're looking for a buggy. Well, see the thing is, some bandits across the way stole some of my parts, and I need you take care of them, and bring the parts back so that I can..." Before he finishes you realize the trap you are in. You are not the chosen one. All you are is a murderous errand boy. 

After hours of running errands just like these, I honestly stopped playing Rage. It's a three disc game (at least on Xbox 360), and I feel like the first two are tutorials for a story they might introduce in the third disc if they get around to it. To be fair, the gameplay is tight, the graphics are beautiful (in the deserted wasteland, fifty shades of brown kind of way), and the music is great.

In fact, the whole game thrives on it's atmosphere, which is well done, but isn't engaging enough to warrant being someone's errand boy for three hours straight. It was fun trying to outwit the bandits the first time, but when you are doing it repeatedly for no reason other than the game couldn't think of what else to do with you, it becomes tedious. 

If you can get past these first few hours, then maybe the story will start to develop and you'll enjoy it. There is even a multiplayer mode where all you do is run errands, so it cuts out the middle man. It's mindless fun, but it's nothing to write home about, even though I'm writing about it here. I'm guessing you want to know my final verdict? You've read all the way down to this last sentence, and you want to know whether or not I recommend the game.

Well, see the thing is, in order to get my final verdict, I'm going to need you to get rid of some bandits...

SciFi Street Fight (Killer Instinct Review)

Quick Facts:

Developers: Rare, Iron Galaxy, Double Helix Games, Microsoft Studios
Initial Release Date: November 22, 2013

Platforms: PC, Xbox ONE

Rating: T (Blood, Mild Suggestive Themes, Violence)

The fight had begun. Fireballs and sparks erupted across the battlefield as the two fighters engaged in fierce combat. He sliced through the air with his sword as she blocked each strike with her electrified batons. A floating timer above their heads reminded them that they only had a few seconds left before the fight would end.

Time stopped. The swordsman roared like a tiger, planting his feet in the cracking asphalt. A new fire ignited in his eyes as he started to glow with a faint, yellow aura. His instinct was now active. He flew in with a rapid series of kicks, hoping to knock out the last bit of his opponent's health. Her body shook violently with each blow as she watched the last bit of her health bar slowly chip away. His confidence grew as he started throwing in punches and sword slashes into the combo, increasing it's potential damage. This was his mistake. She smiled and a sudden burst of energy erupted from her.

A loud, deep voice yelled "C-C-Combo Breaker!!" as he flew through the air away from his former victim. Her eyes glowed and she screamed "fire cat!" and summoned an electrified panther to attack her foe. It collided with him across the arena, erupting in a shower of sparks. She followed in pursuit and threw in some kicks and baton strikes, creating a vicious combo of her own. He could not avoid the final blows as his health bar disappeared. 

A bright flash ignited the stage as she continued the combo, altering the music in the background to amplify the effect of her final blows. The stage crumbled and collapsed under the power of her final combo. With one final strike, she launched into the air in a fiery form, bringing him down the hard dirt. The timer stopped, and an excited voice yelled "ULTRAAAAA!!!!" She celebrated by twirling her electric batons and looked directly at me. The fight was over.

In Killer Instinct, every fight is a tense conflict to the end. It is unlike any other fighting game I've ever witnessed due to it's frenetic pace and fascinating visuals. Within moments you will be captivated by the amount of sparks and fireworks exploding across the screen as each combatant releases a series of moves that are unique from a visual and practical standpoint.

Each character is distinct, and none of them play the same as the others. In order to play as a new character, you will have to learn a new series of moves, which may be a turnoff for some, but for those of us who like variety in fighting games, it is a breath of fresh air.

Unlike most fighting games, a lot of the characters in Killer Instinct aren't human. The realism is removed in favor of pure fun, which I can appreciate. It never takes itself too seriously, but it has enough tension to make each fight feel like a desperate conflict. This is a hard balance to strike, but Killer Instinct does it perfectly. Although you may see a cybernetic velociraptor fight off against an undead japanese ghost, you can still feel the tangible tension of a well choreographed fight sequence.

There is a free version to download and play on Xbox One, which features one free character (Jago) and one rotating character (currently a giant gargoyle monster named Gargos), but includes all of the features of the main game including a survival mode, story mode, versus, online play, and a dojo to learn all of the interlocking mechanics. If you want to purchase the full game, you can buy each "season" (which includes eight characters each) for twenty dollars, or buy all three in a pack for around sixty. You can also buy characters individually, which I wouldn't recommend, because they are around five dollars a piece.

This is an amazing game from the start screen to the shining polish of each fight. I recommend it to anyone with even the smallest interest in fighting games, even if you've never held a controller. Just be careful that you don't get too arrogant when pulling off flashy combos, because you just never know when your combos, like your newly developed confidence, will be broken.

Caverns for Kids (Spelunker World Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Tozai Games
Initial Release Date: November 11, 2015

Platforms: PS4

Rating: E

Imagine the deep, dark underworld of a mysterious cavern. Each step into your descent you move further away from the familiarity of the light caressed surface to find yourself lost and alone. The claustrophobic tightness of the rock formations sometimes cause those who enter them to squirm and shiver under the powerful influence of fear. This is the risk people take to explore the unknown world beneath our feet. Welcome to the hobby commonly known as spelunking.

People all over the world partake in this dangerous pastime in order to explore places most wouldn't dare to enter. It's the thrill of the descent rewarded by the beauty and spectacle of the cavernous underworld. Sometimes they run across underground lakes that shimmer in an eerie glow or find rare jewels buried in the rock. This isn't a common occurrence, but it is possible.

Spelunker World attempts to capture this feeling of exploration and discovery, but through the lens of a children's book. Instead of feeling fear, all I felt was aggravation and a deep desire to show the game that I could get through the caves unscathed. This is partially due to the fact that these are some of the wimpiest spelunkers I've ever seen in my life. Fall two feet from a rope to the ground and you get to watch as the character grabs his knee before the game restarts you back at the last checkpoint.

These checkpoints are placed generously around the map, but why are these guys even down here? Children off of a kindergarten playground can take better falls than these animated spelunkers, but oh well. At least I still enjoy the game. I just have to be more careful with their fragile bodies.

Once I got over that hurdle, I realized that they also can't run, even when a boulder is falling after them like that scene from Indiana Jones. My eyes focused on the screen as I pressed the right button as hard as I could, only to watch my character waddle like a constipated wind up toy. Come on! I caught myself saying to the screen. Thankfully, the developers also knew the limitations of their characters and set up the chase so that I barely made it out alive.

Outside of those small grievances, the game is actually quite entertaining. Every cave is unique, and some of the platforming sections are genuinely enjoyable. I caught myself smiling as I'd rush through the cave as fast as possible, picking up items and dodging hazards with ease. After getting accustomed to the slower pace of movement, it became easier to maneuver around the environments which are nicely animated.

The game ditches realism in favor of a simplistic, clean art style which I appreciate. It is easy to tell different items apart and the gameplay mechanics are straight forward. For example, in order to open the blue door you will need a blue key. The only difficult part is finding that blue key, but if it were too easy the game wouldn't be any fun.

Once the level is completed, you are rewarded with experience points which help level your character up (which didn't seem to produce any noticeable results except extra storage space in the backpack). Also, there is an interesting collecting mechanic where you open up "lithos" to unlock new pieces of clothing. I'm not an expert in spelunking or anything, but I don't know how you can make a t-shirt out of some rocks you found in the ground, and even if you could I wouldn't want to wear it.  If you don't like the clothes you unlock, you can always sell them for more gold, which can be used to buy more stuff in the store later on.

One thing that I found very odd about the game's design was that all of the levels are unlocked from the beginning. You don't have to beat level one to get to level two, though it is recommended. If you feel like a boss, you can go ahead and try to beat the further levels first but I can guarantee that you will be frustrated at the spelunkers inability to trip without crying about it. 

Overall, I really enjoyed this game, and will probably continue playing it until I beat every level with my wimpy wanderer. Through the fire, flames, bat poop, and rolling stones I will prevail. In fact, anyone with free time and a Playstation 4 can join me in my quest to conquer the darkest caves because the game is completely free. There are no paywalls, limited microtransactions and everything is playable from the start. Just be careful. Two foot falls and bat poop are deadly.

Gon' Huntin'! (Cabela's Dangerous Hunts 2011 Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Cauldron
Initial Release Date: October 26, 2010

Platforms: Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, Nintendo DS

Rating: T (Blood, Violence)

I hold the Top Shot Elite gun firmly in my hands. The plastic contours of the rifle fit comfortably in my grasp as I look down the scope. Perfect. The cross-hairs line up perfectly with the targets on screen as I pull the trigger. With each successful shot, a loud boom erupts from my TV, and I get one step closer to hunting. My pulse races faster as I continue to knock out the targets.

Without hesitation I shoot down the last target, and the game tells me that my calibration is complete. Aha! I say and click the pump action reload. In that moment I took a deep breath, and went straight to the gallery. See, when I originally bought this game I imagined it to be similar to real hunting.

I expected to walk through the forest, taking in the sights and sounds, as I hunted my prey. With each carefully placed step I'd be closer to landing the kill shot, and taking home a great trophy to put on my wall. Yes, a nice thirty point set of antlers would be amazing on my wall. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I know absolutely nothing about hunting, but if this game is any representation of it, I'm never going into the woods again.

As soon as I start the game, I realize that something is weird. The game is in first person, which I expected, but I have the ability to float through the air like some kind of demented woodland nymph with a treacherous blood lust. A small blue reticle lined up approximately to where my gun was pointing, but there was no gun on the screen. In the bottom right corner, the game kindly displays how much ammo I have in each magazine. So, my rifle had three, and my shotgun had two. Good to know.

I watched closely as I heard a mysterious voice tell me to start shooting. What I didn't realize was that all the animals in this game were rabid. Without warning all of the deer of the forest stampeded toward me, running around as if the world were ending before I even made a sound. I start shooting, and realize the biggest plot twist this game had to offer. 

As the deer went flying right and left because of my well placed shots, I suddenly realized that I was not a demented woodland nymph with a blood lust as I had previously assumed. I was a wizard. Creating ammunition out of thin air was the least impressive of my magical abilities as I slowed down time with the press of a button. The animals tried to escape, leaping through the air in beautiful stride. A small maniacal laugh escaped me as I brought them all down to the dirt.

Yes, if hunting were this empowering I would definitely consider it, though a question did cross my mind. What was I going to do with all these dead carcasses? I shrugged and floated through the air to another predetermined spot and faced a true threat. Mountain lions are dangerous creatures, and can do plenty of physical and psychological damage by themselves, but in this universe nothing travels alone. You may think that I'm talking about a pair of mountain lions, which is possible in the wild, but no. My jaw wouldn't have dropped to the floor if it were only two mountain lions.

At the rate I was going I could easily down them by slowing time, or seeing through them with my x-ray vision I learned from somewhere. This was different. At first I only saw one coming at me from the bushes, but then another, and then three more. Cabela does not understand subtlety or realism, but I didn't care. I cocked my pump action reload again and fired away! This game balances the unrealistic horror of half a bazillion mountain lions chasing you with the reminder that you are a forest dwelling demigod with the power to levitate and control time.

What I expected to be a hunting simulator swiftly turned into a power trip with a plastic rifle. I caught myself yelling at the screen in triumph as I downed every threat that stood in my way, and every innocent creature that tried to get out of it.  Then, as time passed I began to feel kinda sorry for the little things. These poor innocent creatures were being zapped to death by Zeus and he doesn't eat venison. But, as soon as I saw a deer bounce through the air on it's head, all guilt was lost and laughter came instead. 

This game was never meant to be taken seriously but is a fun arcade style shooter. The gorgeous scenery can sometimes get in the way of seeing your target (like tall grass concealing a baboon) but it is not too inconvenient. After I got over my power trip of being a wizard in the woods, I realized how much fun it was. An hour had passed and I didn't even feel it. 

It is a great game, but I would definitely recommend it with a Top Shot Elite controller. Trying to control the game with an Xbox 360 controller (or PS3 controller) feels like trying to grab a bar of soap you dropped in the shower. You may have a grip on it for about a second, but then you fall and hurt yourself. Or get eaten by a mountain lion.