A Game Not Fit for Hades (Ride to Hell: Retribution Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Deep Silver, Eutechnyx

Initial Release Date: June 24, 2013

Platforms: Ps3, Xbox 360, PC

Rating: M (Blood and Gore, Drug Reference, Intense Violence, Partial Nudity, Strong Language, Sexual Content)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Gather around boys and girls. Let me tell ya a story. Now this ain't gonna be no fairy tail, but a legend. You've probably heard whispers spread around this ol' town about a special game. A disc of legend that few have laid eyes on, and even fewer ever attempted to endure. I know you kids play those new, crazy games about shootin' people in wars and blowin up green aliens and stuff, but this is a different kind of game. This one is scary in ways that few can bare. Let me tell you the story of a game called Ride to Hell: Retribution.

Now you boys and girls may think that little 1% in the title means somethin special, like being the top 1% at school for bein so smart...but it doesn't. A few local historians claim that the little ol' 1% represents the bikers who are actually the hardest of the hardcore. To tell ya the truth, I ain't got the darnedest idea what bikers do, or how they relate to each other, or what goes on with the other 99% of bikers who like to ride, but I can tell ya one thing. That 1% represents the people who can endure the game, and do something that few people have managed to do successfully. Enjoy it.

You might be able to wear a smile across your face, but inside your soul is crying for release. Jake Conway is not a man you want to mess with, or even look at. His jagged complexion and pixelated persona may have you looking away to keep your eyesight. Even hearing the sound of his voice makes your eardrums cower in fear, and your hands reach up to block the pain. It's like listening to someone talk in monotone dramatically. You can't imagine that? I can't either. You have to hear it for yourself.

If you survive the initial introduction, you will have to endure playing it...and that is far worse. Everything from dancing the can-can violently to dispatch of enemies ten feet away to shooting specks of dust at bikers with that gun in your hand begs you to stop playing. But you won't...not until it's done. It's human nature to be curious, and even though your body screams at you to cease the torture, the curiosity that killed the cat will constantly whisper in your ear, "just one more level".

Somehow, each level after the first drags you slowly into the pits of pity. You may even shed some tears. Whether those tears are from joy or from suffering is something between you and your maker. That's your business. My business is to tell you to stay away.

With each passing hour, you'll wonder why you're still playin. No one but you can answer it, and you can't. The game breaks all conventional rules of fun, but still remains entertaining for those who are a sucker for pain, or the innocent bystanders who knew no better. You may even suffer brain damage, through hitting yourself in the head by way of what you kids call a "face palm" or through the constant stupidity the game expects you to take seriously.

Don't worry kids, it'll all be okay. I ain't tellin this here story to scare you, but to warn you of the dangers of taking part in this ritual. Some people that have played this game were never the same. They constantly went around yelling at things, trying to slide their bikes under tanker trucks, and expected to beat up bullies by dancing the can-can. Poor souls...they'll never recover. Their souls have been scarred by the ride...

This game's title is not just a metaphor. If you want to experience the dangerous depths of despair and agony on a disc, then go ahead. Buy it for yourself and plug it in. Watch as everything you know and love fades away into the grainy darkness of failure. Be careful that your brain doesn't leak out your ears as you play, because I can tell you that your little ol' brain will try to escape in any way that it can. If you can survive the ride, then you are a hero in this town. But if you are just looking for a game to play on a lazy, rainy afternoon, then go ahead. Take the risk.

But I can tell ya one thing. You might have played bad games before, but you've never been on a ride to hell.

Random Leave of Absence

Hey everyone! Sorry I have been absent for the past couple of weeks. I've missed writing for you guys, and I wanted to let you know that I haven't forgot about ya, and I haven't given up on my reviews. I've just been really busy at work, and I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things once I figure out my schedule and how to work my life around it.

I appreciate you guys, and I hope to write another video game review for you soon! Thank you so much for your support, and for reading my blog, and for everything you guys have done for me!

I hope to write another review soon.

Thanks,

Jonathan

Lost in Space (No Man's Sky Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Hello Games

 Initial Release Date: August 9th, 2016

Platforms: PS4, PC

Rating:  T (Fantasy Violence)

Space is infinite. There are millions of stars and solar systems beyond our own home planet, Earth. In No Man's Sky, Hello Games attempted to recreate this illusion of nearly infinite possibility using an ingenious algorithm. Everything is generated using a sophisticated formula that has never been used in games before. Planets, animals, plants, atmospheres, and landscapes are put together seamlessly as you explore the vast depths of space. There are no loading screens, no wait times, just complete freedom to go wherever you want.

After reading up on this game, I was very excited to become an interstellar explorer. Soon, my name would be over the vast universe as an interplanetary scientist, researching the worlds beyond our own, and recording them for the rest of the known universe to experience. My eyes brightened with excitement as the game finally finished installing on my PS4. With a deep breath, I took the cool plastic controller in my hand and pressed start. From this point, my journey was just beginning.

As the stars zoomed past, I imagined myself on a wonderful, tropical paradise, naming animals and relaxing in the cool breeze. Or maybe it'd be a cold, frost bitten planet where I'd have to find shelter and warmth to survive, and where all of the creatures would be fur laden mammals made to survive such harsh temperatures. Soon, the stars stopped flying past, and the screen went dark. Where was I going to end up?! I held my breath as the screen started brightening with color. Sadly, it wasn't a color I was hoping for.

Instead of a bright, lush tropical paradise, or an adventurous frozen wonderland, I set foot on something that looked like the microscopic image of a far flung piece of nasal excrement. Constant rain drops pelted the ground around me, and I let myself relax for a moment. Well, at least it's not extremely dangerous here. That thought lasted about five seconds until I took the time to notice my little white bar decreasing at a slow and steady pace. What is that? I thought to myself. Finally, the realization slapped me in the face. Really? I stared at the screen in annoyance.

Acid rain. Not only did I wind up on a planet that looked like Dagoba minus the foliage and a wise Jedi Master who had an odd grasp on the English language, but now it was raining acid on me. No wonder there wasn't any life here, except for some mushrooms sprouting up out of the ground like gross, hairy growths on the nasal excrement. I sighed and walked to my ship. Well, I'm leaving this disgusting planet, and then I'll enjoy myself.

Aha there it is! I walked over to my beautiful ship and pressed the enter button. The ship closed around me and I looked out, saying bye to the planet. Normally, I'd say good bye to a place I'd been to, but there was nothing good about this planet. I pressed the ignition button, and then growled. Apparently, my ship was broken.

Great! I yelled to myself and exited the ship. First, I'm on the ugliest planet of all time, and now I have to fix a ship that was broken. Calm, alluring music filled my ears, as if I were taking in the most astounding landscape. Apparently the game wasn't smart enough to realize that I had the short straw in the planet drawing. Fine, enough about the planet, I thought to myself as I walked away from the ship. I'm gonna leave here soon anyway.

I pulled out my laser to mine some materials, then realized the laser was broken. What on Earth did I do to myself before the game started? My voice became gravelly as I started whacking rocks with all my force. Who would've known that this amazing, expensive game would've boiled down to Minecraft in space. 

After about an hour of wandering around the planet, I finally had the materials to fix my ship. With a sudden burst of excitement I ran all the way back to my ship, transferred the materials and was ready for take off. What I didn't realize....was that the thrusters and the launching part of the ship were different. In short, my ship was still broken. With that, I shut the game off. I wanted to explore the infinite depths of space, I really did, but this game had a way of teasing me. It's like a date with a girl who won't give you a kiss goodnight...after dating for six months. Although I do admire the effort put into this game, I can't say that I recommend it.

It's a well designed game, with a nice soundtrack, decent graphics, and smooth game play, but you will need lots of time to get anything good out of it, and time is not something I have a lot of these days. Therefore, if you are in the mood for something different, calm, and interesting, try it. It's definitely worth the experience, but I would borrow it, not buy it. At least for now.

The one thing I must say is that it was a valiant and creative effort on the part of Hello Games to create something this innovative. I understand the art of game design and must say that they were genius in their ideas. The only problem is that the genius they instilled in this game is hard to get to initially, and it takes time to leave the planet that you're on. Now if you start on a beautiful planet then by all means enjoy yourself! But for me, and my little, poopy planet I wound up on, I realized something from the start. This game had an appropriate title, and I would definitely say it was Not My Sky. 

Time Constrained Treasure (You Have 10 Seconds 2 Review)

Quick Facts:

Developer: Tamation Games

Initial Release Date: August 26, 2016

Platforms: PC

Rating: Not Rated (Mild Cartoon Violence)

You have ten seconds. Ok, here are the rules. Nine. Right arrow on your keyboard is to move right. Eight. Left arrow is to move left. Seven. Space bar is to jump. Six. You see that door over there? Five. No, not the black one! Four. The white one! Three. Hurry! Run to it! Two. Now touch it! One. Phew! That was close.

As the screen cascades in a twisting block of white, you are assaulted with another set of instructions. The ice is slick! Don't touch those spikes or you'll...never mind, just start at the beginning of the level again. Ok, now that you got the rules, make sure you...oh wait I forgot to tell you that the map is upside down. RESTART. Great, now you understand that the map is upside down, you'll need to use the portals. Yes, jump through them. Good. 

It may seem chaotic now, but you're getting the hang of it. Just a few more levels to go. You got this! I believe in you! And...welcome back to the level select screen. Now you can do the process all over again by walking through that door down the hall.

Wait, you want a review? Well, here's the gist of it. You are a little white block. Throughout the game there will be many contrived reasons why you can't just go through the door. You have to learn to run, jump, teleport, swim, shrink, flip gravity, and lots of other stuff if you wanna survive. Don't worry though, the game is great at easing you in. Also, I am not sure why, but I think it may be important to mention that the game defaults to a little window instead of full screen. So, if you are looking for a game with gorgeous graphics and detailed lighting....you are looking at the wrong game. It's free though, and small, so it can fit comfortably in your hard drive like a small kitten in a box you found on a rainy street in New York. Now that is an obscure movie reference. Moving on.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Game play. You see that number at the top of the screen rapidly descending and beeping as you move around? That is how much time you have left. Not only does the game restrict you from going to the door, but you must do it in ten seconds! In any other game, this would be a frustrating constraint. But, the beauty of this gem is in it's construction. By giving the players ten seconds, the levels are simplistic but challenging. 

You don't have to worry about memorizing long strings of combos, or managing items in an every expanding and increasingly irrelevant inventory. Instead, it's the foundation of a what a video game should be. Quick reflexes and immediate attention to the goal at hand. Now, I do respect games that go far beyond this, but You Only Have 10 Seconds 2 reminds me of a simpler time when video games were pure entertainment.

At times you'll want to hi five yourself in the face for being a genius and an idiot in the same ten seconds. In my years of gaming I've never felt so pleasantly frustrated. The pleasure comes in knowing that there must be a simple solution waiting right in front of you, and within ten seconds you can beat a level that took you ten minutes to figure out. Everything else, from repeatedly hitting the same spike that you KNOW is there to missing the door right when the last second ticks away can lead to maddening frustration. Don't worry, the frustration will wear off and reveal a sense of accomplishment that is rare in modern gaming.

If you like fast paced game play, easy to understand controls, a catchy chiptune soundtrack, and the unnerving sense of tension brought upon by a constantly ticking time bomb, then I highly recommend You Only Have 10 Seconds 2.  A brief disclaimer though. The game is very short, but there is a level editor which could provide some extra entertainment for the creative types. It's a pretty intuitive interface that allows you to easily come up with insanely difficult labyrinths for you and your friends. This only unlocks after you beat the game however, so that you understand how all of the different objects work, which I think is a smart idea.

I have ten seconds left. Well I hope you enjoyed reading my review. Nine. It was fun playing and writing for you guys. Eight. Looks like my time is running short so I'll say this. Seven. The game is free to play. Six. It's on Steam (the PC gaming client). Five. And you can download it at the time of this writing! Four. So, if you're up for a game that's easy to learn. Three. But difficult and engaging to play. Two. Go ahead and download You Only Have 10 Seconds 2! One. You won't regret it. Good bye.

REVIEW TERMINATED.

A Fight Through Eternity (Nioh Beta Review)

Quick Facts:

 Developer: Tecmo Koei

Planned Release Date: December 31, 2016

Platforms: PS4

Rating: RP (Rate Pending: Contains Intense Violence, Blood and Gore)

Disclaimer: This game is currently in development, and this review is only of the beta demo released recently over PSN (Playstation Network). Some features may differ or not work entirely due to the nature of this being an unfinished product. Therefore, this is not a review of the game as a whole, but of my impressions of it's current state.

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN.

He was alone. The wet caress of the ocean's tide lapped against his still body as he started to rise. Everything was silent, except for his beating heart. A sudden, nasty smell took over his body as he coughed and glanced over at the dead body rocking back and forth in the tide. Flies buzzed around it in a cloud of darkness. Little streams of blood flowed into the ocean as the body lie motionless before him.

The cause of death was immediately apparent. Most people wear swords in sheathes on their sides. This deceased individual was holding it through the center of their body. It wasn't a convenient place to carry a weapon, since he probably couldn't even reach the sword from back there, and pulling it out would be quite painful. He stopped letting his mind wander, and stumbled over to the body. 

Strong odors erupted from the corpse as he managed to slowly draw the sword from the recently departed. It was a nice blade, sharp and light. With a few quick slashes he became accustomed to the weight of the beautiful weapon he held. This will do, he thought to himself and washed off the blade in the water. 

The cold night air bit at his lightly clothed body. After the incident, all he had was the tattered and torn clothes on his back. Somehow, the wind found the perfect angles from which to freeze his body through the holes in his clothes. There must be a house, or some place for warmth, he thought to himself as he shivered and stumbled down the beach.

With each step, he left a deep impression in the sand beneath him. He held his sword, shaking in front of him as he surveyed the area. The last thing he needed was an ambush from people who might have wanted him dead. The next to last thing he needed was the sudden realization that he wasn't alone. His body spun around to face the torch that just lit up. Someone was watching him.

He could feel the presence of two piercing eyes glaring at him from the darkness, and he readied his sword. This fight would be short. Suddenly a person yelled and slashed at him from the shadows. He blocked and attacked him with a few strikes of his own. With each strike, he tried to gauge his energy. If it got too low, he'd be at the mercy of his attacker in a pitiful, weakened state.

Sparks flew off the weapon as the two pieces of aggressive metal collided in the night. The assailant said nothing as he continued striking. Blood splattered on the walls of the straw hut as he slashed into his attacker, but the violent man was not greatly affected by the loss. With each strike the man started to notice that a ring of white surrounded his body. What was that? Suddenly, he focused on recovering energy. In the blink of an eye he was back up to full stamina, and a ghostly form overlapped his own. 

What was this power? A new confidence overtook his weary body, and the conflict continued. With a series of careful blocks and slashes of his sword, the assailant was finally wearing down. Silently, his sword finished off the attacker. He sheathed his sword as the aggressor's body hit the floor. This was one of many battles he knew he'd face. His eyes glanced around the beach and noticed fiery swords sticking up from the sand. These were the signs of others who had fallen. As he approached them, a small circle rose above them like a ghostly apparition, showing him their name, level, and what weapon they were using when they died. He could challenge them to a duel, to see who was a better fighter, but he wanted to rest from the previous encounter. Tonight was just beginning, and there were a lot more fights to be conquered if he wanted to survive.

This all happened within the first few minutes of my experience of Nioh. Think of it as a mix between Ninja Gaiden (because of the pace of it's combat) and Dark Souls (due to it's unforgiving difficulty). Although the combat may not seem deep, due to it's lack of complex combos, it is very intricate. You have access to three different stances, low, medium, and high, that change the game play drastically. Each has their own series of special moves to learn throughout the course of the game, and to master by using different weapons in each stance.

While in most games you get your gear by defeating the NPCs (Non-Playable Characters) in the world, Nioh is a bit different. Although there are enemies that populate your surroundings, most conflicts I had were with other players. It is an asynchronous experience (meaning that you are not fighting another player in real time, but a recording of their play style through the game's advanced AI), but that doesn't stop it from being exciting. In fact, I spent most of my time fighting other players because the enemies in the world were not really exciting in the beta. 

The process for summoning another player to fight is really simple. All you have to do is walk up to a fiery sword in the ground, and hold the O button until they appear. Once they appear, however, you must defeat them or die. You cannot cancel a fight if it isn't going in your favor, so keep that in mind if you want to duel someone. Just make sure yo have at least one healing item, or you will be in trouble. Other players have tactics that will surprise you, like being beaten by a level 1 samurai when I was level 6 because he randomly changed stances and sent a flurry of rapid attacks without warning. They are an unpredictably enjoyable part of the overall experience.

Nioh is a highly addictive experience, from the leveling system, to trying to get in just ONE MORE FIGHT before going to bed. If you like exciting action, strategic combat, and excruciating difficulty, I'd definitely recommend Nioh. The graphics are decent, but the mood outweighs any lack of graphical fidelity. Overall, I suggest that you download and give Nioh a try, even though this comes with a warning. YOU WILL DIE A LOT IN THIS GAME, especially if you are just starting out. It's like an eternity of living the same experience over and over again. Live, fight, die, repeat. If this doesn't bother you, and you are up for a challenge, then go ahead and try it! You won't regret it. 

(This game was in open beta at the time of this writing, and is free on Playstation Network to try for a limited time. I do not know when the beta will end, so it's best to try it as soon as possible before it is pulled from the store.)

Miami Case Files...in Color! (Battlefield Hardline Review)

Quick Facts:

 Developer: EA DICE, Visceral Games, Criterion Games

Initial Release Date: March 17, 2015

Platforms: PS4, Xbox One, PS3, Xbox 360, PC

Rating: M (Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Strong Language, Use of Drugs)

WARNING: THIS GAME IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR YOUNGER TEENS

Today was just one of those days. The rain kept pouring down on our backs, soaking us in dark, wet depression. We couldn't let it get to us now. There was a job to be done. A guy to find. Oddly, I couldn't see my feet. Whenever I looked down, all I saw was the beautifully illuminated texture of the concrete beneath me. My partner didn't seem to notice my sudden fascination and kept whispering at me to follow behind closely. Don't let them see you. Got it.

With each splashing step of my invisible feet I inched closer to the fence. Some crazy lady to my right was yelling at nobody and rummaging through a trash can. Weird, I thought to myself. She must be on something. Suddenly, I whipped my head around to see my partner crossing the street, sticking her butt out like a prideful turkey. Did she really need to walk like that? I thought to myself and followed suit. 

There was no one here, except for the crazy lady talking to her trash can. I looked her way and stared in disbelief. Where was my partner going? I moved with an unnaturally smooth grace across the street, not even shifting my weight from foot to foot as I glided. Maybe I didn't have feet.

While my thoughts wandered I suddenly noticed that everything was an odd shade of blue.

"We are almost there. We can't let them see us." A voice whispered to me as I abruptly stopped. Something was wrong here. Suddenly, the realization slapped me as my face flushed red in embarrassment. I stepped away slowly, hoping that my partner didn't realize that my face had been suddenly acquainted with her rear end. Phew, she didn't notice.

I stood up straight, trying to regain my composure as I looked over at three guys talking to each other. The street lamp highlighted them as they carried on a conversation. Little shadows danced around their clothes as the wind blew. For some reason I kept noticing the tiny details this evening, but that's part of my job. I AM a detective.

As time passed I noticed that the three men stopped. Their forms swayed back and forth, making hand gestures but not saying anything. My eyes glanced over at my partner, who was calmly taking everything in. She was silent, looking out at the three men, and then me. Was I missing something?

With some hesitation, I walked over to the three men, calmly floating across the wet concrete. I felt the sudden urge to do something drastic as I approached them.

"Police! Drop your weapons!" I yelled, flashing my badge from across the street in the dark. Immediately two of them ran off, but the third one stood with his hands up. I quickly glided over to the man and then did something that was difficult to explain. Normally, I wouldn't share this kind of information in a report, but I need to in this case.

Without warning I was out of control of my body, and I saw myself talking to this guy. I suddenly had feet, and a face that I could actually look at. Did I look that beat up? Oh well.

The man talked to us and swore that he didn't know where our suspect was, even though we knew he was good friends with him. We threatened him a couple of times, and them punched him around a bit. I couldn't control any of my actions, but I knew that I probably would've done the same thing. It was like one of those out of body experiences people talk about. Thankfully, it was over in a few minutes, and I arrested the man, putting the cuffs on him and slamming him to the ground. Everything went smoothly, and within minutes I was done with the mission.

This is just one of the many missions I accomplished while playing Battlefield Hardline. Instead of focusing on major wars like previous Battlefield entries, this one plays out like a police drama. Everything from the office scenes to arresting people on the streets reminded me of different cop dramas I had seen over the years. I even collected evidence using a scanner, and then put the pieces together to learn more about the criminals I was trying to catch.

Although the game is not as intricate as L.A. Noire, another game that was a police drama, the action in this game is a lot more polished, along with the visuals. It isn't a completely fair comparison since the L.A. Noire came out on last gen consoles like Xbox 360 exclusively, but the environments do look amazing in Battlefield Hardline.

I was drawn into each plot twist and action scene, since the acting is great and the environments are beautifully detailed with smooth animation and gorgeous lighting. I will not spoil any plot point here, since it is not my goal in this report to ruin the story of such a great game.

If stories and awesome environments aren't your thing, there are a variety of competitive multiplayer modes to keep you company. I didn't play a lot of the multiplayer before writing this report because I believe that once you play it for a few minutes you can fully understand the experience. Basically, do the objective, kill other players, get points, level up, get new weapons, rinse, repeat. Nothing new in the multiplayer shooting market. It's not offensive in any way, nor is it boring, but it didn't stand out to me in any particular way.

Overall, if you enjoy police dramas filled with suspense, plot twists, justice, good graphics, and a lack of feet as you glide around town, then I'd recommend Battlefield Hardline. Now I just need to file this report and get ready for another mission on the Miami Police Force. Officer J.S. Out.

Comments Section (Update)

Hey everyone! I have just unlocked the comments section on my blog for each post that I write, so if you like you can now feel free to comment and leave suggestions, criticisms, encouragements, gripes or whatever comes to mind. :)

Thank you guys for all of your support for my blog! It really means a lot to me.

Keep on playing, my friends. :)

Jonathan

PS. Sorry for the technical difficulties there. I fixed it for real this time. Thanks again!